Presents versus presence

I remember the Christmas several years ago when my daughter had her heart set on accumulating as many “Littlest Pet Shop” houses, play sets, animals and accessories as possible. She had to have them. So we (and all the relatives) bought all the pink and purple plastic toys in bulk. Hasbro made out pretty well from our investment alone that year. Christmas morning, she opened her Littlest Pet Shop extravaganza and was thrilled.

The following year, if you had asked what she got the last Christmas, she couldn’t tell you. Completely forgotten. What she could tell you, in exact detail, were all the things we actually did as a family over the holiday. Building gingerbread houses. Baking gingerbread men to occupy the houses. Making ornaments for the tree. Seeing the lights at night in her pajamas with a cup of cocoa. Baking cookies with her grandparents. Watching our favorite holiday movies with a glass of eggnog. Even just watching the fire crackle with carols playing in the background. She remembered every single one of these small gestures of the season. The Littlest Pet Shop, in all its pastel plastic glory, was ultimately forgotten.

I have to remind myself every year that despite what the media would like me to believe, I don’t need to run around trying to find the perfect gift for my children to make the holiday special or meaningful. This season’s “must have” present is often next year’s garage sale item. Sure there have been favorite presents over the years, we have had our “Red Rider BB Gun” moments, but in general the “wow” factor of these gifts quickly fades. The best holiday memories we’ve had haven’t been a function of how much money I spent on the kids, but how much time I spent with them. My presence was more valuable than their presents.

Now, if even one small tradition is forgotten, my daughter is the first to let me know. I have a feeling that someday her children will be reminding her of all these things as well.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Slowing to a stop

It’s a real buzz-kill when you find out your parents are considered more cutting edge than you are. 

If a typical Saturday for you growing up meant goofing off outside, making up games with your neighborhood friends and being left to entertain yourself with whatever you could find, then your parents were unknowing proponents of what is now called the “Slow Parenting Movement.” This “new” approach to parenting promotes a general “slowing down” of the pace of modern family life. This is a rather radical concept compared to the frenetic schedules many families keep today. A typical Saturday now includes shuttling kids to their various activities, grabbing meals through the drive through and wondering where the weekend went. (Then repeating the whole process next Saturday.) 

Life in the slow lane

The premise of “slow parenting” is that by trying to enhance our children’s lives with enrichment programs, scheduled activities and even educational toys and DVDs, we actually deprive them of the opportunity to explore life at a pace that fosters their own creativity and natural development. As a result, they are less imaginative, need constant stimulation and are overly stressed. They lack a connection to the natural world and their ability to problem solve on their own is hindered. Supporters of slow parenting argue that children whose activities are primarily directed by adults lack the chance to discover and develop skills on their own.

Life in the fast lane

There are others who think that the myriad of opportunities available to children today should be taken full advantage of. Participating in various sports, music lessons, art classes, camps, etc. exposes kids to new interests they might develop. Kids who are busy are less likely to engage in delinquent activity. Finally, many believe that pushing kids to achieve on many levels is necessary if we want them, and our future society, to compete in a global economy.

Both approaches have one thing in common – parents who are trying to do the right thing for their kids. It’s interesting though that our current culture has produced a “movement” saying it’s okay not to be so busy. When did not signing up for travel soccer become something we had to justify – to ourselves or our kids? If the norm has become to provide every advantage and opportunity in the name of good parenting, it does seem counter–intuitive to choose a “less is more” approach. It’s possible however, that instead of being such actively involved parents, we might serve our kids better by butting out of their childhood a little more. 

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

"A" for effort?

While watching a reality show recently I saw a young woman vying to win some sort of competition. After her performance, she stated that she had “done her best” and was anxious to hear the host’s positive reaction. The host said that unfortunately her “best” just wasn’t good enough to win. The woman was shocked; utterly dumbfounded. It was apparent she assumed that her personal best effort, regardless of any type of standard, should result in her winning the prize.

Why did she think her “personal best” was the yardstick to measure real skill? Is this a new phenomenon? Have we become so concerned with nurturing self- esteem in our culture young people assume that merely trying hard is enough to warrant a reward? Are they amenable to any criticism?  I think of it as the “American Idol syndrome” - the awful singers who just know they are destined to become “the next American Idol.” They’re angry and appalled that their “talent” isn’t being recognized. People with good intentions probably told them to pursue their “passion” for singing, despite an obvious lack of ability. Somewhere along the way they believed that trying to be good at something is the same thing as actually being good at it.

I’m all for praising effort. Especially in young children it’s important to encourage genuine effort. Trying counts for a lot when you’re young. It counts for a lot when you’re old, too. But in the course of growing up, kids need to accept that they will be good at some things and not good at others. It doesn’t have to be devastating news.

I wonder if this inflated sense of self is related to our current need to “celebrate” every minor accomplishment our kids have. Congratulations – you’ve “graduated” from preschool! You didn’t win the championship but here’s a trophy anyway for participating! Merely showing up seems to be an achievement in and of itself.

Knowing you did your “personal best” in a given situation can be rewarding and/or consoling. Unfortunately, our personal best doesn’t mean a whole lot when we interview for a job, apply to grad school or compete in some other way with a pool of candidates who may have better skills. In real life, the most qualified person usually wins out – regardless of how hard anyone else might have tried. We do a disservice to our kids if we let them grow up thinking otherwise. Encouraging them with false praise only sets them up for a bigger tumble later. As parents, our job is to help our children find their strengths and accept their weaknesses. Anything else is not our “best effort.”

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

When it's tough to be thankful

With Thanksgiving approaching, our thoughts turn to what we are thankful for. If you have children, feeling grateful for the many joys they bring is easy this time of year. The trick is to be thankful for the challenges parenting provides as well. Here are some “opportunities” for gratitude you may not have thought of.

Kids’ “obliviousness”

You have to appreciate the fashion sense of little boys who routinely wear their clothes inside out, backward, torn or stained and couldn’t care less. We’d like them to look more presentable (at least in public) but thank goodness there is someone in our culture who isn’t concerned about “image.”  They’ll become label conscious soon enough. Consider this time when kids don’t care that their shoes are on the wrong feet golden.

Sibling rivalry

Fighting, from minor button-pushing to full out hand to hand combat, drives parents nuts. From our perspective (and Rodney King’s) we say, “Can’t we all just get along?” For kids however, they are learning the dynamics of conflict.  Can I stand up for myself? Can I articulate how I feel? Can I reel in my anger? Sibling arguments provide the first opportunity to learn how to fight fair, say you’re sorry and hopefully grow closer. Friendships can be fickle at this age. Blow it with a friend and they may leave. With sibilings, there are lots of chances for “do overs.” Hearing your kids finally work through a conflict peacefully on their own feels like a major parental accomplishment – because it is.

Personality differences

If you have a child with a personality very different from your own, understanding or connecting with them can be difficult. Their interests, abilities or even approach to life can make it seem like they were switched at birth and really belong to another family.  But when you do come to appreciate your child for exactly who they are, you open the door to feeling empathetic to a larger part of the world. Accepting differences in others is easier when you see those characteristics in your own child.

An “empty nest”

Congratulations! You have just successfully completed the monumental task of raising a child to adulthood! Wasn’t that the goal all along? You’ve invested a lot in your son or daughter and, of course, you will miss them when they’re gone. Now you can give up the day to day operations of child rearing and watch them thrive on their own. Enjoy it. Focus on yourself guilt-free. (And don’t lay a guilt trip on them for growing up.)

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Getting inked Barbie-style

Ever wondered if you’re “too old” to get a tattoo? Well, Barbie just got one and she’s 52!

The latest incarnation of Barbie, manufactured by Mattel, is a “rock chick” with pink hair, leopard leggings and tattoos on her neck, chest and arm. The skin art has some parents in an uproar about what kind of message a tattooed Barbie doll sends to young girls.

Controversy is familiar territory for Barbie though. Her unrealistic body proportions have drawn criticism for years. If she was a real person, she would be 5’ 9” tall, measure 36-18-33 and weigh 110 pounds. Her body mass index would make her anorexic. She might even topple over from her disproportionally endowed chest. Despite these physical challenges, she has managed to become an ambassador for world peace, paleontologist, plastic surgeon, air force jet pilot and astronaut. Not bad for someone who once uttered, “Math class is tough!”

Now she just wants to be a “funky fashionista” according to Mattel. And tattoos are part of that look. She’s already been a cheerleader, cowgirl, model and princess. Is this latest version really so much of a departure from what we expect from Barbie?

I think there are several questions here. First, what do we think tattoos say about a person? Not that long ago, getting a tattoo was pretty risqué - a counter-culture statement suggesting a rougher element. A person with a tattoo, especially a woman, was categorized in a certain (negative) way. Now, tattoos are much more mainstream. Moms have butterfly tattoos on their ankles or their children’s names on their arms. I once saw a woman with a rather large Tweety Bird on her calf – not very menacing. Is a Barbie with body ink suggesting or endorsing anything to children that they don’t already see in everyday life? Or is it the fact that a tattooed Barbie is a toy marketed to children that gets under our skin (no pun intended.)

Second, how seriously do we consider the effect of any version of a Barbie doll on our girls? Do her positive traits, like being an astronaut, really make girls feel like they, too can become an astronaut? Or are her negative traits too overwhelming, like her idealized body proportions telling girls their own bodies don’t measure up? Whose message carries more weight about image and accomplishment – parents or society?

Finally, if Ken had tattoos, would anyone care?

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

"Hands on" versus "hands off"

Have you ever had your parents question how you handle your own kids? I often think about how parenting styles have evolved, specifically the differences between how the previous generation parented versus how current moms and dads view the job. In a very general sense, it seems there are two distinct approaches – the “hands on” philosophy we see today and the “hands off” method of our own parents. Here are three areas I think illustrate that point and some thoughts on where we’ve either progressed or regressed.

Communication

Say you have a child that is acting out - misbehaving some way verbally or physically. My parents had mastered “the look” to deal with this situation. A nonverbal glare so effective I reconsidered my behavior immediately.  No words were necessary to convey their disapproval.  In fact, no words were expected from me either. My parents weren’t interested in a discussion or a debate. I think “the look” worked because there was an element of fear behind it.

In contrast, parents now will usually give their child a voice in the same situation. Although bad behavior is still not tolerated, parents are interested in the “why” behind it. Children today expect their opinion to matter, and I think this is a good thing. While the outcome may be the same for them as it was for us, at least kids now can feel like they’ve been heard. And hopefully learn that listening to others is important in a conflict.

Investment

Parents have always been proud of their children’s accomplishments but their level of investment in their child’s identities seems greater now. Maybe it’s a function of how much time parents personally have to devote to the endeavors of their children. With the degree of commitment so many kids’ activities require, parents blur the line between what “belongs” to their child instead of them.

On the plus side of being “hands on,” dads are much more involved in a positive way with their children’s activities  than in previous generations. The old image of a removed father figure has been replaced by a much more engaged parent now.

Problem-solving

Do kids take “ownership” of their own problems today? Or do modern parents step in too quickly to resolve their issues for them? You’ve probably heard of the term “helicopter parenting” to refer to parents who “hover” around children and are involved in every decision of their life. Another recent term is “lawn mower parents” who try to “mow” down any obstacles that obstruct a child’s path to success, even after a “child” is an adult out of college. It’s hard to think of any similar terms that would have been used to describe our own parents.

Each generation reacts to how it was parented and makes adjustments they think are an improvement when raising their own children. What will our kids value in reaction to how we’ve parented them?

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Are you listening Hallmark?

In case you haven’t heard, Hallmark has rolled out a new popular line of greeting cards to send to people who have lost their job or otherwise been negatively impacted by our current economy. These “sorry for your loss” cards made me think of all the possible cards that could be sent to parents for the various disappointments and pitfalls we experience raising children. Here are a few I’ve come up with. (Imagine each sentiment on a card with a pastel background or soothing nature scene.)

Sorry potty training is going so badly.

Musical potties, foam “peeing targets,” the classic candy bribe . . . when all these attempts to “encourage” a child to relinquish the Pull Up fail, a sympathy card to the exhausted parent is definitely in order.

Sorry to hear your child has a resistant strain of lice.

Few phrases are more revolting in the parental vernacular than “your child has lice.” This card could come with “we may have infected you” post cards to send as well. Also, a coupon for Nix.

Sorry for the loss of your pre-baby body.

Because it’s not coming back. Something that’s been stretched and contorted that much during pregnancy can only be expected to recover so much. Grieve and move on.

Sorry the bully everyone fears is actually your child.

Sure everyone feels bad for the kid who is bullied, but what about the parent of the bully? Talk about dying a social death.

Sorry your kid repeated that disparaging remark you made about your mother-in-law. To her.

This is a buy one, get one free card.  An apology card is included to send to the offended party.

Sorry to hear your kid isn’t any better at math than you were as a child.

Nature? Nurture? Who knows why the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree with our less desirable traits. Variations on this theme could include “sports,” “social skills,” etc.

Sorry to hear your teenager can’t wait to get tattooed and multiple body piercings when he/she is eighteen and an “adult.”

One card can’t really express enough sympathy here. Better to include a hand-written note as well. 

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

"Hibernating" a mother bear instinct

I never truly appreciated the magnitude of the “mothering instinct” until I had some “young” to protect myself. Like many mothers, as soon as I learned I was pregnant, that drive kicked in with a passion. Eating more nutritiously, taking prenatal vitamins, reading “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” – it’s all done in an effort to provide the best possible start for our baby. And when that little helpless life is actually placed in your arms, whoa! Those feelings of protectiveness get ratcheted up even higher. You understand that mama (or papa) bear feeling of keeping your cubs safe at any cost. It’s not intellectual, it’s primal.

As babies get mobile, the job of protecting them is a little trickier. I personally turned our home into a padded, cushioned, gated community when my twins were toddlers. Foam covered any hard edge. Latches kept cabinets tightly shut. Toys were routinely inspected and sterilized. Doorknob covers made it virtually impossible for any adult to open a door. Even the toilet had a lock on it. I had created the safest environment I possibly could. (But still intellectually and physically stimulating because you know I read “What to Expect, the Toddler Years.”) The underlying goal – no harm will come to these children on my watch.

The only trouble is, the world keeps steadily creeping into my soft little biome and the “pain” I so desperately want to protect my children from now comes in so many ambiguous forms. Hurtful words from a friend. Feeling isolated from a group. Realizing one’s own shortcomings. My heart tells me to jump in and correct these blows and make everything right again. My head tells me that rushing in and rescuing my kids from life’s disappointments ultimately makes them more vulnerable. If I want them to become more resilient, learn to persevere, develop humility, etc. then I have to give them the opportunity to develop these traits on their own.

So, I’m trying to let that mother bear instinct in me hibernate a little more.  It’s hard but the cubs need me to do it. Hopefully they know the den will always be here.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

In good company

Over the weeks I’ve written this column I’ve tried to present topical parenting issues and the different perspectives people have about them. Lately it’s occurred to me that although it may seem like many problems we face are unique to our current time, parents have really always had the same fundamental issues to grapple with. While it’s new territory for us, generations have been through this process. So, in that vein, here are some thoughts I’ve borrowed from parents past and present.

“Motherhood is like Albania – you can’t trust the description in the books, you have to go there.” – Marni Jackson

I read a lot of parenting books when I was pregnant. And I literally took every class the hospital offered on taking care of newborns. Then I re-read the books. Taking care of babies was still more overwhelming, more humbling and more joyful than I ever could have imagined. It’s an experience that can’t be conveyed, but going through it gives you a hundred kindred spirits.

“If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do well matters that much.” – Jackie Kennedy

This one does put the pressure on us, but I think it’s true. It keeps whatever competing areas you might have in your life in the proper perspective.

“A rich child often sits in a poor mother’s lap.” – Danish proverb

In our affluent area, it’s easy to feel like giving kids the latest computer game or Aeropostale shirt is a mandatory part of somehow showing them you care. I like this quote because it’s a reminder that the most valuable things we can give our children can’t be purchased.

“Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it.” – Harold S. Hulbert

We don’t always remember that children are not miniature adults. They’re new at this, too.  And even when they look grown up, they aren’t. They need our patience, acceptance and love even when we feel like our resources are depleted.

“A woman is like a tea bag – only in hot water do you realize how strong she is.” – Nancy Reagan

Sometimes it’s not until we’re tested as parents that we know what we can really handle. And you can be sure that our children are watching and learning from our method.

“The most important thing she’d learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.” – Jill Churchill

Enough said.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Staying "connected" through cell phones

Kids and cell phones. If ever there was a love/hate relationship for parents, this would have to be it.

On one hand, a child having a cell phone can be incredibly helpful. Aside from the obvious advantage of parents and kids being able to reach each other in an emergency, everyday situations arise that make having instant contact beneficial. If your child is lobbying for a phone, he or she will undoubtedly tout the many ways you will be able to stay connected. (Because that’s what every kid really wants a cell phone for – to have as much contact with their parents as possible, right?)

In reality, with all that cell phones are currently capable of, your child may really be using their phone for texting friends, taking photos, playing games and surfing the Internet. And kids may not be exaggerating when they claim “all their friends have them” when 75% of 12 to 17 year olds own cell phones (according to the Pew Internet and American Life Project, April 20, 2010.)

If you’re still holding out and your child doesn’t have a cell phone you may be thinking that sexting, cyber-bullying and other bad things kids do with their phones are thankfully off your radar. No phone, no problems. Unfortunately, even if your child doesn’t have their own phone, how other kids use theirs affects your child as well.

In situations where kids should be playing, talking or just hanging out –opportunities to enjoy someone’s company and develop social skills- a cell phone butts in with its snazzy ringtone alerting the owner that something potentially more interesting awaits. Conversation is interrupted; face to face interaction is disengaged. Sadly, a flesh and blood human being can’t always compete with such an advanced gadget. When one kid’s cell phone takes priority, both kids lose out.

It’s not just an issue of manners, either. Research indicates that when kids rely mainly on texting to communicate, they fail to develop basic conversational skills. Being able to read body language and facial expressions is hindered. Even maintaining eye contact is difficult. With no practice mastering these skills with their peers, and no apparent need to, they simply aren’t developing.

What does this mean for the kind of relationships our kids build with each other and with us? I’m a mom – I need warm, fuzzy moments. Emoticons don’t cut it. Will they be enough for future generations?

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Can you officially flunk parenting?

Seeing “needs improvement” or “unsatisfactory” on a report card is disappointing. Imagine if that grade applied to you, from a teacher evaluating your parenting skills.

Earlier this year state lawmakers in Florida proposed a bill called “Parental Involvement and Accountability in Public Schools.” The purpose of the bill was to set standards of accountability for academic success for parents of students pre-kindergarten through 12^th grade. For those parents of children ages pre-K to 3^rd grade, report cards would include a grade of parental involvement as assessed by the teacher. Along with overall attendance and tardy rates, categories to be graded would include how well parents communicate with teachers, how they respond to requests for meetings, if their children are prepared for tests and have completed homework and if they are providing proper meals at home and ensuring their child gets enough sleep.

Some give it an A+

Those in favor of the bill say teachers can only be expected to do so much when it comes to determining how successful a student is in school. Parents need to be held more responsible for providing the home environment necessary to thrive. Children would benefit by parents having a clear set of expectations - and being evaluated on how well they are achieving these goals. Proponents of the idea feel this is in the best interest of the child and may encourage those parents who receive “unsatisfactory” grades to improve their parenting skills.

Others give it an F

Critics of the argument say that parents understand their children’s needs best and how they choose to parent should not be mandated by the government. Also, it is unfair to judge all parents on the same criteria. Families in which both parents work feel they will be found lacking in terms of how involved they are able to be at school when compared to families where one parent is at home and can volunteer in the classroom or organize school events. Others feel that in regards to older children, it makes more sense for the actual student to be held primarily responsible for his or her success rather than parents.

Ultimately, the Parental Involvement and Accountability in Public Schools bill in Florida didn’t pass.

It’s an interesting debate, however, with both sides having compelling arguments on how children are best served. It remains to be seen if the issue gains interest in the future in other states.

For now, be glad your kid isn’t threatening to take away your TV privileges for a bad report card.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

No lingering in childhood

Our current culture really has it in for us parents sometimes. If these five things were eliminated from my child-rearing landscape, my job would be infinitely easier.

1.Erectile dysfunction ads

Before many children are even ready for “the talk” they have witnessed countless commercials discussing how to be “ready” all the time and questioning if they are “healthy enough for sexual activity.” During the parent meeting of my fifth grader’s health education class last year (where adolescent body changes are discussed) the leader of the presentation said she has had boys ask “what do I do if I get an erection lasting more than four hours?” Thank you Viagra and Cialis.

2. Provocative clothing marketed to children

Push-up bras and thongs – for twelve year olds. The rear of sweatpants emblazoned with “Juicy.”  Suggestive slogans on t-shirts. What more can we do to say “grow up faster” and “sexualize your body” to our girls?

3. Skin – everywhere

Walking by the Victoria Secret store in Hamilton Town Center, I pass larger than life posters of mostly naked women. There is a segment of the population that appreciates this I’m sure, but with my two kids in tow, I don’t. Similarly, in the checkout line I can’t help but be kept abreast (no pun intended) of the latest celebrities’ “enhancements” and other body altering surgeries. Good luck developing that healthy body image, girls.

4. The word “sexy”

Did you know that your food can be sexy? Definitely your car should be sexy. I’ve even heard landscaping described as sexy. (I personally really don’t need my lawn to be anything but green.) The pervasive use of this word is an example of how we equate “sexy” with anything desirable.

5. Tween TV shows that focus on dating

Shows on the Disney Channel and Nickelodeon often revolve around plot lines of getting, keeping or losing boyfriends and girlfriends. Even if the characters are animated. While the actors on these shows may be teenagers you can bet the audience is much younger – intentionally. The message that it’s normal (and expected) to pair up with someone of the opposite sex early and often is clear.

It’s not my goal to raise my kids in a vacuum. I would just like the chance to let their childhood unfold at a pace I think is appropriate instead of them being propelled into adult issues before they need to be. Pushing back against these negative cultural forces that invade our lives is a constant battle.

 If only parenting were a sexy job.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Meaning in housecleaning

The other day my 11 year old son said casually, “I don’t know why you complain about cleaning the house, Mom. It doesn’t seem like such a big job.”

After taking a deep calming breath, I said, “Welcome to your next teachable moment, son.” And so began his (and his twin sister’s) path of enlightenment to learn just how much effort goes in to taking care of our home.

To backtrack, both kids have some chores. They make their beds, tidy their rooms, put their clean laundry away and set the table. But for the most part, my kids live in a world where drawers are always magically full of clean underwear and sheets are always clean.

So next cleaning day, I supervised while the kids cleaned the whole house. They started the morning with bathrooms. This job was quickly determined to be “gross” and “a lot of work.” (My thoughts exactly.)  It was also discovered that the work could be made more enjoyable by writing your name on the shower wall with Scrubbing Bubbles. It took two hours and many more paper towels than could be considered “eco-friendly” to finally finish the job, but they did it.

Next, dusting and vacuuming. Both kids were sufficiently horrified by the contents of the vacuum cleaner and the point was made about how hairy our dog really is. After momentarily leaving the room during this time, I returned to find the two of them suctioning each other with the hose attachments.

After that, my son watered the outdoor flower pots and garden which necessitated a change to dry clothes after completing the job. (I’m not sure getting wet was completely unintentional.) My daughter folded laundry and actually whistled while she worked.

Finally, the kitchen where they jointly cleaned the stove, wiped the counters, polished stainless steel and mopped the floor. Mission complete.

In the end, they really did a good job. And while I think both kids did come away with a sense of how much work goes into maintaining a home, I was probably more “enlightened” than them by the process. I learned that I, like many moms, probably do too much for my kids. They can handle more if I’m willing to give up control. Because I tend to want things done 1) quickly and 2) my way I begrudgingly do all the work when I should really just ask for help.

I also learned that kids have a great ability to find a way to have fun in almost any situation. I guess the “teachable moment” was really mine.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Is a college degree necessary?

That title sounds like heresy, doesn’t it? Especially in our community where at least 90% of high school graduates pursue college. President Obama wants the U.S. to have the highest amount of young adults with a college degree in the world by 2020. There’s a growing debate, however, over the value of college for today’s students given the rising costs of higher education and our struggling economy. Is a college diploma still the requisite golden ticket to professional success?

“College shouldn’t be an automatic choice.”

Many argue that assuming every 18 year old should head off to college is a cookie cutter approach that fails to consider the different abilities and interests of the individual. Other options exist -like trade schools, two year programs or military service- that could be a better investment. Plus, drive, hard work and ambition account largely for a person’s success and those traits aren’t handed out with a cap and gown.

Ever met a kid that didn’t know what they wanted to do? Thousands of dollars can be invested on a lukewarm interest. Time spent in the “real world” may make a student more focused or motivated. The ivory tower will still be there.

“College is still the best option.”

Others argue that a bachelor’s degree is necessary to even be considered for many positions and having one will always ensure priority over other candidates. College graduates still have better earning potential than non- graduates and obviously certain professions can only be pursued with a college degree.

Besides the monetary viewpoint, many feel that the “collegiate experience” provides valuable intangible benefits. Young adults are exposed to different kinds of people and philosophies resulting in a more “well-rounded” individual.

Clearly both arguments have valid points and parents and students are left to evaluate the decision right for their unique situation. I have good friends who are on both sides of the equation with their two daughters. For one daughter school always came easily, she was driven academically and dreamed of careers that only a college degree could make possible. She is excited to be a freshman at the University of Kentucky this fall. Their other daughter, equally as talented, engaging and smart as her sister but not as academically inclined, is thinking her educational path will end after high school. She is considering a career in real estate. Fortunately, these two girls are blessed with parents who have the great wisdom to allow them to choose their own destiny.

With that kind of support, both girls are bound for success.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

New School Year Resolutions

The start of a new school year is like January 1^st to kids – a fresh beginning. The slate has been wiped clean and is ready for a freshly sharpened No. 2 pencil to fill it with good intentions. Teachers outline their goals for students on day one, but here are a few “resolutions” to help parents start the new year in the right direction as well.

I will remember that homework is intended for students, not parents.

We mean well with our “help.” The red flag goes up when we take more ownership for school work than our kids. If we assume responsibility for projects, we deny our children the opportunity to be truly proud of what they alone can accomplish. And if they fail (which they should sometimes) they learn important lessons about how to recover from disappointment. Unless you want to eventually enroll in college with them, let your kids develop the skills they need to succeed on their own now.

I will think long and hard before signing up for extracurricular activities.

Remember when after school activities were – fun? Resist the pressure to sign up for more sports, more clubs or more lessons until you ask yourself if the necessary time, money and commitment are really worth it. Does your child truly want to do this activity? Do you? What are you sacrificing (family dinners, relaxing evenings) in order to participate? Realize that unscheduled free time has its merits, too.

I will listen to the teacher (or coach/ bus driver/ lunch lady.)

If you live here for the school system, then you have faith in its professionals. It’s hard to hear your child is not applying themselves, struggling socially, misbehaving, etc. Instead of getting defensive, appreciate the different perspective another adult can provide. Be open to their comments. They probably have the same best intentions for your child that you do.

I will also be my child’s best advocate.

Everybody needs an ally in their corner and your child needs to know that person is you. Kids have legitimate concerns. What they don’t often have is the power to help themselves - which is when you step in.

I won’t let this year slip by.

Every school year ends with “I can’t believe it went by so quick!” Slow down and appreciate the frenzy. Before you know it, you’ll be in the crowd for whom the end of summer doesn’t mean “back to school” anymore.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Are we really open to "the village" raising our children?

Here’s a scenario many of us have encountered as parents. Your child invites a new friend over to your house to play. Fifteen minutes into the play date, you are checking the clock to see how much longer you must endure the antics of this particular visitor. You’re cringing at their foul language, disrespect for your home or the way they are treating you and your child.  As the clock slowly ticks, you are already planning the post play date debriefing that will take place explaining to your child the many reasons why the friend’s behavior was unacceptable.

Do you grit your teeth and suffer through the experience without comment to the little offender or discipline the child and let his parent know of his behavior when the play date is thankfully over?

The clear choice for my parent’s generation was option two. If I misbehaved at a neighbor’s house I could a) count on being called out on it and b) be certain if the deed was bad enough my parents would be informed. Just knowing other grown- ups were in cahoots with my parents was enough to rethink the misdeed in the first place. It seemed that all parents, all adults even, had a common understanding that they had authority over me. And I accepted it.

Now if I consider disciplining someone else’s child, even in my own home, the child might look at me like I’m crazy. I also run the risk of their parent seeing my comments as a reflection of their child rearing ability rather than a reflection of the child himself. My intentions may be good- to steer a child in the right direction- but I’m not sure if it’s “my place” to speak up.

What is the role of adults in current society regarding the discipline of other people’s children? Do we have an obligation to collectively guide them? Under what circumstances? If a child is doing something dangerous, most of us would intervene. But what about when we witness other things like destruction of property – from your own child’s toys to public graffiti?  Do lesser transgressions like back talking or general disrespect warrant our intervention? When the child is related to us, for example a niece or nephew, are we more or less likely to say something?

Everyone likes the idea of “it takes a village to raise a child” until we’re put in the uncomfortable position of offending fellow villagers. If we do have a responsibility to keep a collective eye on our kids, will we let each other? Or if we say that it’s not our role to voice concern about other people’s children, what is the repercussion? Am I absolved of responsibility if I’m aware of a child’s risky behavior or bad decision but don’t act on that knowledge because it is not “my place” to get involved in territory meant for parents?

This is one of the many gray areas of parenting that gives me gray hairs. I don’t know the answer to this dilemma but I’d like to think, regarding my own kids, that I could rely on other parents to have my back - and that I would be open enough to hear what they might say.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Being a kid is not as easy as it looks

The other day I was talking to a mother whose daughter was concerned about not having any friends in her classes next school year. Schedules had come out and it looked as though she might be facing a sea of brand new faces – again. Her mother and I casually assured her that “she would make lots of friends when school started.” We all hoped it would be true, but I left thinking, “boy am I glad I don't have to go through that anymore.”

It got me thinking about all the things we tell our kids or ask them to do that seem pretty easy but really can be quite difficult. As adults, we've found a way around many of these issues for ourselves.  For example:

“Don't worry – you'll make new friends.”

For many kids in our big school system, a new school year means entering an unfamiliar environment not knowing a soul. Walking up to an established group of people and extending yourself is hard at any age – and kids can be a tougher crowd than adults who have (hopefully) learned some social graces. As an adult, when is the last time you really had to open yourself up to possible rejection like this? Or put the effort into making a new friend? Although we may wish the process was easier for kids, it isn’t always.

“Try it – you'll like it.”

We ask (and sometimes demand) that our kids try new things all the time - a new activity, a new place, even a new food. We feel it's our responsibility to expose them to various opportunities and have them take risks even it's uncomfortable or scary. But how often as adults do we push ourselves out of our comfort zone? Try something new that might make us look silly or feel out of place? We know it's an important message to send our kids, but we become creatures of habit ourselves.

“Wait.”

“Now” is so much better than “later.” A hallmark of successfully navigating childhood, however, is developing impulse control. Patience is hard and we expect kids to wait - a lot. They wait in lines to go to the bathroom, wait for parents to get off the phone, wait to take their turn in class. It's another critical skill to learn but it's no fun and adults aren't always the best role models. We're impatient when the checkout person is too slow, the traffic light won't change fast enough and the kids take forever to get dressed/ finish dinner/ get to bed etc. Sometimes we just choose not to wait – which is our luxury as a grown up.

“Just get along.”

There will always be people we don't particularly like to be around but have to deal with anyway. As adults however, we have a good degree of control over these situations and can often choose the people we want to associate with. We can even avoid our parents or siblings if they annoy us. Kids don't have this option. If they have mean kids in their class, they have to deal with them all year. A teacher or bus driver they don't like – tough luck. We expect them to make the best of relationships with people they have little or no say in choosing - which most of us adults would not tolerate.

All of these things we say to children are important and necessary lessons to learn. We just need to remember not to minimize the difficulty of what we’re asking. Even as adults it's not always easy to make new friends, try new things, wait our turn or get along with people. Childhood is often romanticized as a carefree time in one's life, but it is really full of challenges. I, for one, enjoy the privileges of being a grown up.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

The "G" Word

Recently a movement has begun to eliminate the use of the word “retarded” (or “R-word”) to refer to people with intellectual disabilities or as a general description of anything deemed stupid or dumb. The “Spread the Word to End the Word” campaign focuses on this issue and has gained momentum in schools across the country. A current public service announcement suggests that the term retarded is just as offensive as the negative racial, ethnic and societal terms that have been used to describe other minorities throughout our history. Jane Lynch, of Glee fame, states in the PSA that “The R-word is the same as every minority slur. Treat it that way and don’t use it.”

Students from Fishers High School picked up the campaign last Spring. Members of the “Best Buddies” program, which pairs students who have intellectual disabilities with those that don’t, pledged to help promote the end of the R-word among their classmates at school.

Bravo to these Fishers students and the “Spread the Word to End the Word” campaign. Ending the derogatory connotation of the word retarded is long overdue. Now that this issue has been illuminated, it makes perfect sense that this word be dropped as a put-down in our general vocabulary.

In that spirit, I’d like to propose that we discourage the misuse of another word that has over time developed a negative connotation. Gay. Or the “G-word” if you like. How many times have you heard kids (or adults unfortunately) refer to something as “gay” when what they really mean is something is lame, stupid or weird? Hearing this use of the word gay is just as offensive to a homosexual person as the term retarded is for a person with intellectual disabilities.

If something is lame, say it’s lame. If it’s stupid or weird, say stupid or weird. Don’t say gay.  At best, using the term gay as a derogatory slam is a lazy way to express yourself.  At worst, it’s hurtful and demeaning to an entire group of people.

As parents hopefully we try to promote the value of tolerance, acceptance and sensitivity in our children toward people who are different from us. By letting our kids casually call something gay as a way to berate it, we give the green light for prejudice and discrimination.

To those that would argue that this is just a silly issue of  “word police” or political correctness and banning words is (insert) retarded/gay, I would say that if you’re the one on the end of a slur, it matters. And it should matter to all of us who tell our kids that other people’s feelings count.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

The lazy days of summer?

A long school year has ended, a much anticipated summer break has begun, and I've already heard one of the most dreaded phrases a mother can hear - “I'm bored, Mom. What are we going to do today?”

Over the last nine months, school has kept kids occupied for over seven hours each weekday. Extracurricular activities accounted for even more of their time. Now each day stretches before them just waiting to be filled with what they hope will be one “awesome” activity after another.

But how should that time really be spent?

For those of us who experienced childhood some time ago (you know who you are) summertime really just meant a break from the routine of school. Vacations, camps, trips to the swimming pool – even a trip to get ice cream- were a treat, meaning they happened on occasion. In contrast, it seems that the expectation today's parents have for themselves is to deliver an action-packed smorgasbord of exciting and/or educational experiences for their kids. My mom put very little effort into arranging my summer days to make sure they were fun. That was largely my responsibility. I wonder why we've had this shift in just one generation and what that effect might be on our children.

It would be great if the result of giving kids more and more was that they appreciated what they had more and more. Unfortunately, sometimes the more we offer, the higher we set the bar for ourselves as parents to keep up. Instead of enjoying the current moment, kids are conditioned to ask “what's next?”

For each child, there is an optimum balance between scheduled “big fun” activity and complete free time and parents have the difficult task of figuring out what that is. It's easy to  assume that bigger is better, but I'm always surprised that the best memories my kids have had from past summers often don't include the “big ticket” items I thought they would enjoy most.

I suggest dialing down our kids' and our own expectations of what makes a great summer. Let's put less pressure on ourselves as parents to keep our kids busy and entertained and let them learn how to engage themselves. Not letting them find their own way out of boredom is doing them a disservice. (Besides, the more you do with your kids, the worse I look to mine.   This philosophy already isn't earning me any popularity points in my house.)

As parents, so much of our own pleasure comes from watching our kids have fun. But we don't need to focus solely on their experience. Summer is fleeting. Make sure you're enjoying it too.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Gold Stars All Around

When my children were babies, I remember the pediatrician recording their heights and weights meticulously every visit on their growth charts. As they steadily went up the curve, it seemed like a solid indication that I was doing something right as a parent (even though I knew babies are pretty much just programmed to grow.) Talking with other new mothers, we couldn't help but compare notes on who had the longest baby, the heaviest baby, etc. You got a secret thrill if your child was “excelling” at height or some other trait attributable to genetics, but nevertheless, hopefully reflected on your parenting skill.

From then, the bar was set to whose child was already sleeping through the night, had  mastered potty training or was an early reader. Heaven forbid the other toddlers were walking already and your kid could be used as a doorstop.

Although my kids are older now, not much has changed. I can't help but be made aware of the many achievements of children all around me. Driving around town, bumper stickers tell me who is the proud parent of a cub scout, an honor roll student and a D.A.R.E. Graduate. I saw a web site recently poking fun at this phenomenon by selling “achievement” bumper stickers for adults that read “Got off the Couch” and “Went to Work”. It does makes you wonder what motivates us to announce our accomplishments so publicly. (Thank you for advancing the cause Twitter and Facebook.)

I think kids inherently know, unless we convince them otherwise, what true achievement  means. If you've earned a real trophy, being handed one for merely participating doesn't feel the same. Every minor accomplishment that results in a gold star diminishes real effort and hard work.

I'm all for fostering esteem in children. I drank the Kool Aid long ago about how critical it is to  develop this make or break trait early and often. And I hope I've done a good job of it with my kids. It feels like the holy grail of good parenting. But the line between self esteem and self promotion is getting fuzzy.

Trying to encourage the attributes of modesty and humility is an uphill battle when our culture so often embraces a “look at me” philosophy. Kids emulate the elaborate touchdown celebrations of their favorite athletes. The more outrageous a reality show “star” is the more attention they receive. And attention seems to be what we're after. When we do witness someone being humble, it's so noteworthy and refreshing because it seems unusual.

We've done a good job in our culture promoting self esteem in our kids. Being proud of one's  abilities and accomplishments is a good thing. Our challenge as parents is to balance that  trait with the equally important qualities of modesty, humbleness and humility in our children.

We have to live with them you know.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/