A job well done

Something sort of magical happened with my son’s recent social studies project. His class was studying geography and the assignment was to make a map of an imaginary country which included all the signs and symbols they were studying in class. At first, his usual procrastination set in, along with complaints about doing such a big project on the weekend, the “when am I ever going to need to know this” argument, etc. Then he started the project. And it grew into an elaborately sketched out plan, with islands and mountain ranges and railroads connecting multiple cities. Different options about what to include on the map were considered at length. The markers and crayons came out to carefully color this intricate design. By the time my son was done, he ended up spending hours embellishing the project well beyond the requirements. He was proud of his work and excited to turn it in.

I felt like he turned a corner that day – realizing that doing a good job is its own reward. He understood there would be no extra credit for his extra effort, no gold star, no “reward bucks” teachers often use for motivation – the work itself was enough. 

Hopefully this lesson will linger with him and as he grows older he’ll make the connection that when you find work you enjoy and you’re good at, it doesn’t really seem like “work.” Expending only the minimal effort required isn’t acceptable anymore because you really care about what you’re doing and you want to do it well. Doing a good job becomes the norm because that’s the standard you set for yourself, not for teachers and not for parents. I suspect that once a person internalizes this value, whatever definition of success or happiness they have is easier to achieve.

Don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of things this particular twelve year old boy has pretty low standards for (a clean room and personal hygiene for instance.) My hope however, is that when it comes to whatever work becomes important to him - when no one’s watching and no prize is being dangled -he still does a good job.

This column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Taboos, red flags and no-no's

Upon becoming wives and mothers, my best friend and I made a pact with each other about our behavior as future mothers-in-law and grandmothers. If one of us witnesses the other person committing certain heinous acts which often stereotype these roles, we promise without hesitation to call each other out on it. No sugar coating, no mercy, just a blunt “Do you realize what you just said?” Below are some of the four alarm phrases for which we remain on high alert.

“Don’t you look cute! Are you sure you want to wear your hair like that?”

Well we were sure, but thank you for taking our self-esteem down to junior high levels. This type of phrase we sincerely hope never to inflict on our daughters, daughters-in-law, granddaughters or anyone of the female persuasion.

“I did (insert outdated parenting strategy) with all my kids. Surely I know how to take care of my own grandchildren!”

Baby aspirin for a fever, rum in a bottle to induce sleep, laying infants on their bellies to nap – all good intentions but bad advice. Child rearing practices evolve, which is actually not a personal affront to the way anyone did it before. We solemnly vow to respect our children’s intelligence and wishes when they raise their own children.

“Here’s a little present just for you. Just don’t tell the other grandkids, okay?”

A grandparent may secretly have a favorite grandchild, but the key is to keep it secret. We promise not to play favorites that can put the “chosen one” in an awkward position and make all the other grandkids (and parents) resentful.

“But Christmas has always been at our house.”

The torch must be passed – with grace, not guilt. Every young family deserves to build memories and traditions in their own home for Christmas morning, Thanksgiving dinner, Groundhog Day, whatever. We sincerely hope that when our family comes to our house it’s because they truly want to, not because they feel obligated.

My friend and I would like to think we would never commit these sorts of infractions. However, no one who makes these statements ever intends to annoy or offend their targets. These phrases just sort of sneak in, especially if someone feels they are entitled to such remarks because of their “older and wiser” status. So, here’s hoping (with a little tough love) we can avoid these pitfalls and be the mother-in-law and grandmother who everyone loves to have come visit. Because dropping in unexpectedly on your daughter-in-law is always okay, right?

This column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/