Parental Rites of Passage

It occurred to me recently that parenthood involves navigating through certain “rites of passage,” events that are universal to every parent, difficult in nature and designed to teach us something. While some of the more obvious rites of passage may include letting children go on their first date or seeing them off to college, most of us have to get through several grittier challenges prior to this. These might include:

Having a child vomit in the worst possible place or at the worst possible time.

My sister-in-law recently flew back home with her sons, ages three and five, after spending a week with us. While on the plane, one son became ill and started to vomit. After that flight, their next connection was delayed three hours, which meant more vomiting in the airport bathrooms. Did I mention she was travelling alone?

Other worst case scenarios include having a child vomit in the crevices of a friend’s car, on the bedding in a hotel where you have no access to a washing machine and during any important event or ceremony. I’m sure many of you reading can even top these.

Over-reacting to a medical “emergency.”

It’s all so overwhelming as a new parent, isn’t it? What could the baby possibly have eaten that would produce a diaper like that? How can it be normal to see an infant’s heartbeat pulse in that vulnerable fontanelle? Pediatricians should really have punch cards for parents during the first year so they can get a free visit after coming in for so many unnecessary ones.

I once placed a frantic call to the doctor to get in right away when my son broke out in inexplicable spots – head to toe. The doctor explained that this was his particular (and unusual) way to respond to the common cold. I’m sure the forty-five minutes we spent in the waiting room during the “sick hours” gave us some germs to really be concerned about.

Saying goodbye to the Tooth Fairy, Santa, Easter Bunny, etc.

Part of the fun of having kids is the “make believe” we get to relive with them. That is, until they get a little older and realize that Santa’s handwriting on the gift tag is the same as yours- and he uses the same wrapping paper. Or, upon your daughter losing her first tooth, you realize too late that you only have a $20 bill in your wallet. Now she and every subsequent child expect this windfall with every tooth they lose. It’s not as magical, but a lot more practical, to say goodbye to our fanciful friends.

This column isn’t long enough to address the many other challenges we face on our path through parenthood. But since a rite of passage by definition “affirms community and solidarity, especially in times of change or crisis,” it’s good to know we’re in excellent company together.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

"Un-resolutions" for parents

A new year and the pressure to improve ourselves with various resolutions begins. We start with the best intentions January 1^st, but soon enough old habits creep back in and our motivation fizzles.

What if not having a goal was our goal? I think a better strategy for success would be a list of “un-resolutions” – what we shouldn’t do instead of what we should do. As parents, our “to do” list seems never-ending. Maybe taking a few things off our plate, and depositing them on our kids’, would help us both.

Here’s a list of things we could resolve not to do anymore for our children. Let yourself off the hook and try a few.

This year I resolve not to: 

Find or replace all their lost stuff

Some lessons are learned the hard way. Whether it’s a favorite shirt, a Nintendo or a wallet, losing something important is difficult. The plus side is that once you’ve been careless with something valuable, hopefully you become more responsible with your possessions in the future. That is, unless mom or dad replaces that treasured item before the message gets a chance to sink in.

Pay my kid for doing nothing

Giving kids money for doing chores – yes. Giving them money for simply existing – no. In the real world, you get paid when you work. Not when you eat Cheetos on the couch and play Wii. Having an allowance is great for learning money management, but part of that lesson is understanding how you earn money in the first place. 

Take ownership of their school work

Who wants to do sixth grade math again? Once is enough for me. It is my child’s responsibility to learn it now. I can help, but if I’m more concerned about an upcoming test than they are, that’s a problem. At a certain point, kids need to learn that their education belongs to them.

Step in too quickly

One of the hardest parts of parenting is watching your child struggle. Our first reaction is often to jump in and fix whatever’s wrong. Sometimes this instinct is right; other times it backfires. When we rescue kids from every difficulty, we deny them the opportunity to solve a problem themselves. We can’t get upset with kids who don’t learn how to be self-reliant if we’ve set it up so that they don’t have to be.

Sometimes the mistakes we make as parents don’t come from a lack of caring, but caring too much. Deciding to dial back our help is hard. Our children need it and we want to give it. Ultimately, resolving to dole out our assistance more thoughtfully will help us both.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/