Appreciating the "classics" of parental wisdom

As I go through the daily job of parenting, often various nuggets of “wisdom” from my own parents pop in my head (and roll off my tongue much to my dismay.) Many of these phrases fall into the category of misguided advice or empty threats that, although well-intentioned, lack something in the veracity department. Maybe you recognize some of the following.

There are starving children in China who would love to eat that.

I doubt any kid on the planet would want to eat my mother’s “creamed chipped beef on toast” – a regrettable combination of packaged meat topped with a “cream” resembling wall paper paste which saturated a perfectly good piece of toast. Why a kid from China, in particular, should be subjected to this I don’t know.

Don’t make that face or it will freeze that way.

It’s funny this phrase had any credence at all as many kids purposely made awful faces just to see if it would stick. The related “don’t cross your eyes or they’ll stay that way” was another adage that was more challenge than threat.

Never wear holey underwear – what if you’re in a car wreck and they have to cut your clothes off?

Are paramedics allowed to refuse treatment to patients with questionable undergarments? If I’m in a car wreck serious enough to require the removal of my clothes I’ve got bigger concerns than dying of embarrassment.

Eat your carrots. They’re good for your eyes.

Actually all vegetables are good for your eyes in the sense that eating healthy is a smart idea for every part of your body.  At the time this phrase was coined, moms must have found carrots to be a particularly hard sell to kids.

Of course, some advice does stand the test of time.

If so- and- so jumped off a bridge, would you?

This is a perennial favorite because parents understand there is no other answer than “no” to this classic peer pressure question. It’s one of the few phrases in our arsenal for which kids have no reasonable comeback.

Go play outside.

This one has particular weight today as many kids’ relationship to their iPads far surpasses any connection to the great outdoors. As evidence, a childhood condition called “nature deficit disorder” actually exists now. Seriously, I couldn’t make that one up.

Always do your best.

Not the easiest advice to follow – at any age. If there was one phrase to live by though, this one’s a keeper.  

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Independence Day

Recently my two children were allowed to ride their bikes (without me) to a local coffee shop to buy themselves a couple of donuts on a Sunday morning. No big deal, right? Wrong. The invasion of Normandy required less advance planning. Helmets securely fastened? Check. Mental map of the intended path with areas of potential hazard discussed? Check. Strict instructions to stay together? Check. Cell phone to call me when they arrived safely? Check. Me waiting anxiously for the phone to ring? Check.

The trip was a success and the kids were thrilled to have had this small freedom and sense of independence. I was happy to give it to them. I remember loving this feeling as a kid. These breaks from parental supervision weren’t just fun, but important. Right or wrong, my parents allowed a much wider circle of freedom for me. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to give my own kids such a long tether - partly because what was typical parenting back then would almost be considered negligent now. My peers and I were often left to our own devices where it was assumed we would appear at the end of the day relatively unscathed. The merits of this approach can be debated, but there is a case for letting kids have a world outside their parents’ constant gaze, where every movement and decision is monitored.

And yet, danger does lurk and children are vulnerable. So we worry - as parents have always done. Did I mention that the bike trip took only about thirty minutes and was almost exclusively on sidewalks? But my fear is real – something might happen to them. Although something will definitely happen to my children if I don’t let them develop self-confidence by letting them be independent.

Kids think they can handle new situations when they sense that we believe they can. If we give them the message that they can’t rely on themselves, we succeed in making them anxious, fearful and insecure - attributes the world will definitely take advantage of.

Our challenge is temper our need to keep them safe with their need to take risks. I suspect this is one of the many push/pull areas we will have in our relationship with growing children. Making the job harder is the fact that each new freedom must be considered on a case by case basis. We have to continually feel our way in the dark and hope the risks we allow are the right ones. 

If you know how to do this, please tell me. Today it was donuts, who knows what path is in store for us tomorrow. 

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/