Independence Day

Recently my two children were allowed to ride their bikes (without me) to a local coffee shop to buy themselves a couple of donuts on a Sunday morning. No big deal, right? Wrong. The invasion of Normandy required less advance planning. Helmets securely fastened? Check. Mental map of the intended path with areas of potential hazard discussed? Check. Strict instructions to stay together? Check. Cell phone to call me when they arrived safely? Check. Me waiting anxiously for the phone to ring? Check.

The trip was a success and the kids were thrilled to have had this small freedom and sense of independence. I was happy to give it to them. I remember loving this feeling as a kid. These breaks from parental supervision weren’t just fun, but important. Right or wrong, my parents allowed a much wider circle of freedom for me. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to give my own kids such a long tether - partly because what was typical parenting back then would almost be considered negligent now. My peers and I were often left to our own devices where it was assumed we would appear at the end of the day relatively unscathed. The merits of this approach can be debated, but there is a case for letting kids have a world outside their parents’ constant gaze, where every movement and decision is monitored.

And yet, danger does lurk and children are vulnerable. So we worry - as parents have always done. Did I mention that the bike trip took only about thirty minutes and was almost exclusively on sidewalks? But my fear is real – something might happen to them. Although something will definitely happen to my children if I don’t let them develop self-confidence by letting them be independent.

Kids think they can handle new situations when they sense that we believe they can. If we give them the message that they can’t rely on themselves, we succeed in making them anxious, fearful and insecure - attributes the world will definitely take advantage of.

Our challenge is temper our need to keep them safe with their need to take risks. I suspect this is one of the many push/pull areas we will have in our relationship with growing children. Making the job harder is the fact that each new freedom must be considered on a case by case basis. We have to continually feel our way in the dark and hope the risks we allow are the right ones. 

If you know how to do this, please tell me. Today it was donuts, who knows what path is in store for us tomorrow. 

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/