No lingering in childhood

Our current culture really has it in for us parents sometimes. If these five things were eliminated from my child-rearing landscape, my job would be infinitely easier.

1.Erectile dysfunction ads

Before many children are even ready for “the talk” they have witnessed countless commercials discussing how to be “ready” all the time and questioning if they are “healthy enough for sexual activity.” During the parent meeting of my fifth grader’s health education class last year (where adolescent body changes are discussed) the leader of the presentation said she has had boys ask “what do I do if I get an erection lasting more than four hours?” Thank you Viagra and Cialis.

2. Provocative clothing marketed to children

Push-up bras and thongs – for twelve year olds. The rear of sweatpants emblazoned with “Juicy.”  Suggestive slogans on t-shirts. What more can we do to say “grow up faster” and “sexualize your body” to our girls?

3. Skin – everywhere

Walking by the Victoria Secret store in Hamilton Town Center, I pass larger than life posters of mostly naked women. There is a segment of the population that appreciates this I’m sure, but with my two kids in tow, I don’t. Similarly, in the checkout line I can’t help but be kept abreast (no pun intended) of the latest celebrities’ “enhancements” and other body altering surgeries. Good luck developing that healthy body image, girls.

4. The word “sexy”

Did you know that your food can be sexy? Definitely your car should be sexy. I’ve even heard landscaping described as sexy. (I personally really don’t need my lawn to be anything but green.) The pervasive use of this word is an example of how we equate “sexy” with anything desirable.

5. Tween TV shows that focus on dating

Shows on the Disney Channel and Nickelodeon often revolve around plot lines of getting, keeping or losing boyfriends and girlfriends. Even if the characters are animated. While the actors on these shows may be teenagers you can bet the audience is much younger – intentionally. The message that it’s normal (and expected) to pair up with someone of the opposite sex early and often is clear.

It’s not my goal to raise my kids in a vacuum. I would just like the chance to let their childhood unfold at a pace I think is appropriate instead of them being propelled into adult issues before they need to be. Pushing back against these negative cultural forces that invade our lives is a constant battle.

 If only parenting were a sexy job.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Meaning in housecleaning

The other day my 11 year old son said casually, “I don’t know why you complain about cleaning the house, Mom. It doesn’t seem like such a big job.”

After taking a deep calming breath, I said, “Welcome to your next teachable moment, son.” And so began his (and his twin sister’s) path of enlightenment to learn just how much effort goes in to taking care of our home.

To backtrack, both kids have some chores. They make their beds, tidy their rooms, put their clean laundry away and set the table. But for the most part, my kids live in a world where drawers are always magically full of clean underwear and sheets are always clean.

So next cleaning day, I supervised while the kids cleaned the whole house. They started the morning with bathrooms. This job was quickly determined to be “gross” and “a lot of work.” (My thoughts exactly.)  It was also discovered that the work could be made more enjoyable by writing your name on the shower wall with Scrubbing Bubbles. It took two hours and many more paper towels than could be considered “eco-friendly” to finally finish the job, but they did it.

Next, dusting and vacuuming. Both kids were sufficiently horrified by the contents of the vacuum cleaner and the point was made about how hairy our dog really is. After momentarily leaving the room during this time, I returned to find the two of them suctioning each other with the hose attachments.

After that, my son watered the outdoor flower pots and garden which necessitated a change to dry clothes after completing the job. (I’m not sure getting wet was completely unintentional.) My daughter folded laundry and actually whistled while she worked.

Finally, the kitchen where they jointly cleaned the stove, wiped the counters, polished stainless steel and mopped the floor. Mission complete.

In the end, they really did a good job. And while I think both kids did come away with a sense of how much work goes into maintaining a home, I was probably more “enlightened” than them by the process. I learned that I, like many moms, probably do too much for my kids. They can handle more if I’m willing to give up control. Because I tend to want things done 1) quickly and 2) my way I begrudgingly do all the work when I should really just ask for help.

I also learned that kids have a great ability to find a way to have fun in almost any situation. I guess the “teachable moment” was really mine.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Is a college degree necessary?

That title sounds like heresy, doesn’t it? Especially in our community where at least 90% of high school graduates pursue college. President Obama wants the U.S. to have the highest amount of young adults with a college degree in the world by 2020. There’s a growing debate, however, over the value of college for today’s students given the rising costs of higher education and our struggling economy. Is a college diploma still the requisite golden ticket to professional success?

“College shouldn’t be an automatic choice.”

Many argue that assuming every 18 year old should head off to college is a cookie cutter approach that fails to consider the different abilities and interests of the individual. Other options exist -like trade schools, two year programs or military service- that could be a better investment. Plus, drive, hard work and ambition account largely for a person’s success and those traits aren’t handed out with a cap and gown.

Ever met a kid that didn’t know what they wanted to do? Thousands of dollars can be invested on a lukewarm interest. Time spent in the “real world” may make a student more focused or motivated. The ivory tower will still be there.

“College is still the best option.”

Others argue that a bachelor’s degree is necessary to even be considered for many positions and having one will always ensure priority over other candidates. College graduates still have better earning potential than non- graduates and obviously certain professions can only be pursued with a college degree.

Besides the monetary viewpoint, many feel that the “collegiate experience” provides valuable intangible benefits. Young adults are exposed to different kinds of people and philosophies resulting in a more “well-rounded” individual.

Clearly both arguments have valid points and parents and students are left to evaluate the decision right for their unique situation. I have good friends who are on both sides of the equation with their two daughters. For one daughter school always came easily, she was driven academically and dreamed of careers that only a college degree could make possible. She is excited to be a freshman at the University of Kentucky this fall. Their other daughter, equally as talented, engaging and smart as her sister but not as academically inclined, is thinking her educational path will end after high school. She is considering a career in real estate. Fortunately, these two girls are blessed with parents who have the great wisdom to allow them to choose their own destiny.

With that kind of support, both girls are bound for success.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

New School Year Resolutions

The start of a new school year is like January 1^st to kids – a fresh beginning. The slate has been wiped clean and is ready for a freshly sharpened No. 2 pencil to fill it with good intentions. Teachers outline their goals for students on day one, but here are a few “resolutions” to help parents start the new year in the right direction as well.

I will remember that homework is intended for students, not parents.

We mean well with our “help.” The red flag goes up when we take more ownership for school work than our kids. If we assume responsibility for projects, we deny our children the opportunity to be truly proud of what they alone can accomplish. And if they fail (which they should sometimes) they learn important lessons about how to recover from disappointment. Unless you want to eventually enroll in college with them, let your kids develop the skills they need to succeed on their own now.

I will think long and hard before signing up for extracurricular activities.

Remember when after school activities were – fun? Resist the pressure to sign up for more sports, more clubs or more lessons until you ask yourself if the necessary time, money and commitment are really worth it. Does your child truly want to do this activity? Do you? What are you sacrificing (family dinners, relaxing evenings) in order to participate? Realize that unscheduled free time has its merits, too.

I will listen to the teacher (or coach/ bus driver/ lunch lady.)

If you live here for the school system, then you have faith in its professionals. It’s hard to hear your child is not applying themselves, struggling socially, misbehaving, etc. Instead of getting defensive, appreciate the different perspective another adult can provide. Be open to their comments. They probably have the same best intentions for your child that you do.

I will also be my child’s best advocate.

Everybody needs an ally in their corner and your child needs to know that person is you. Kids have legitimate concerns. What they don’t often have is the power to help themselves - which is when you step in.

I won’t let this year slip by.

Every school year ends with “I can’t believe it went by so quick!” Slow down and appreciate the frenzy. Before you know it, you’ll be in the crowd for whom the end of summer doesn’t mean “back to school” anymore.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Are we really open to "the village" raising our children?

Here’s a scenario many of us have encountered as parents. Your child invites a new friend over to your house to play. Fifteen minutes into the play date, you are checking the clock to see how much longer you must endure the antics of this particular visitor. You’re cringing at their foul language, disrespect for your home or the way they are treating you and your child.  As the clock slowly ticks, you are already planning the post play date debriefing that will take place explaining to your child the many reasons why the friend’s behavior was unacceptable.

Do you grit your teeth and suffer through the experience without comment to the little offender or discipline the child and let his parent know of his behavior when the play date is thankfully over?

The clear choice for my parent’s generation was option two. If I misbehaved at a neighbor’s house I could a) count on being called out on it and b) be certain if the deed was bad enough my parents would be informed. Just knowing other grown- ups were in cahoots with my parents was enough to rethink the misdeed in the first place. It seemed that all parents, all adults even, had a common understanding that they had authority over me. And I accepted it.

Now if I consider disciplining someone else’s child, even in my own home, the child might look at me like I’m crazy. I also run the risk of their parent seeing my comments as a reflection of their child rearing ability rather than a reflection of the child himself. My intentions may be good- to steer a child in the right direction- but I’m not sure if it’s “my place” to speak up.

What is the role of adults in current society regarding the discipline of other people’s children? Do we have an obligation to collectively guide them? Under what circumstances? If a child is doing something dangerous, most of us would intervene. But what about when we witness other things like destruction of property – from your own child’s toys to public graffiti?  Do lesser transgressions like back talking or general disrespect warrant our intervention? When the child is related to us, for example a niece or nephew, are we more or less likely to say something?

Everyone likes the idea of “it takes a village to raise a child” until we’re put in the uncomfortable position of offending fellow villagers. If we do have a responsibility to keep a collective eye on our kids, will we let each other? Or if we say that it’s not our role to voice concern about other people’s children, what is the repercussion? Am I absolved of responsibility if I’m aware of a child’s risky behavior or bad decision but don’t act on that knowledge because it is not “my place” to get involved in territory meant for parents?

This is one of the many gray areas of parenting that gives me gray hairs. I don’t know the answer to this dilemma but I’d like to think, regarding my own kids, that I could rely on other parents to have my back - and that I would be open enough to hear what they might say.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Being a kid is not as easy as it looks

The other day I was talking to a mother whose daughter was concerned about not having any friends in her classes next school year. Schedules had come out and it looked as though she might be facing a sea of brand new faces – again. Her mother and I casually assured her that “she would make lots of friends when school started.” We all hoped it would be true, but I left thinking, “boy am I glad I don't have to go through that anymore.”

It got me thinking about all the things we tell our kids or ask them to do that seem pretty easy but really can be quite difficult. As adults, we've found a way around many of these issues for ourselves.  For example:

“Don't worry – you'll make new friends.”

For many kids in our big school system, a new school year means entering an unfamiliar environment not knowing a soul. Walking up to an established group of people and extending yourself is hard at any age – and kids can be a tougher crowd than adults who have (hopefully) learned some social graces. As an adult, when is the last time you really had to open yourself up to possible rejection like this? Or put the effort into making a new friend? Although we may wish the process was easier for kids, it isn’t always.

“Try it – you'll like it.”

We ask (and sometimes demand) that our kids try new things all the time - a new activity, a new place, even a new food. We feel it's our responsibility to expose them to various opportunities and have them take risks even it's uncomfortable or scary. But how often as adults do we push ourselves out of our comfort zone? Try something new that might make us look silly or feel out of place? We know it's an important message to send our kids, but we become creatures of habit ourselves.

“Wait.”

“Now” is so much better than “later.” A hallmark of successfully navigating childhood, however, is developing impulse control. Patience is hard and we expect kids to wait - a lot. They wait in lines to go to the bathroom, wait for parents to get off the phone, wait to take their turn in class. It's another critical skill to learn but it's no fun and adults aren't always the best role models. We're impatient when the checkout person is too slow, the traffic light won't change fast enough and the kids take forever to get dressed/ finish dinner/ get to bed etc. Sometimes we just choose not to wait – which is our luxury as a grown up.

“Just get along.”

There will always be people we don't particularly like to be around but have to deal with anyway. As adults however, we have a good degree of control over these situations and can often choose the people we want to associate with. We can even avoid our parents or siblings if they annoy us. Kids don't have this option. If they have mean kids in their class, they have to deal with them all year. A teacher or bus driver they don't like – tough luck. We expect them to make the best of relationships with people they have little or no say in choosing - which most of us adults would not tolerate.

All of these things we say to children are important and necessary lessons to learn. We just need to remember not to minimize the difficulty of what we’re asking. Even as adults it's not always easy to make new friends, try new things, wait our turn or get along with people. Childhood is often romanticized as a carefree time in one's life, but it is really full of challenges. I, for one, enjoy the privileges of being a grown up.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

The "G" Word

Recently a movement has begun to eliminate the use of the word “retarded” (or “R-word”) to refer to people with intellectual disabilities or as a general description of anything deemed stupid or dumb. The “Spread the Word to End the Word” campaign focuses on this issue and has gained momentum in schools across the country. A current public service announcement suggests that the term retarded is just as offensive as the negative racial, ethnic and societal terms that have been used to describe other minorities throughout our history. Jane Lynch, of Glee fame, states in the PSA that “The R-word is the same as every minority slur. Treat it that way and don’t use it.”

Students from Fishers High School picked up the campaign last Spring. Members of the “Best Buddies” program, which pairs students who have intellectual disabilities with those that don’t, pledged to help promote the end of the R-word among their classmates at school.

Bravo to these Fishers students and the “Spread the Word to End the Word” campaign. Ending the derogatory connotation of the word retarded is long overdue. Now that this issue has been illuminated, it makes perfect sense that this word be dropped as a put-down in our general vocabulary.

In that spirit, I’d like to propose that we discourage the misuse of another word that has over time developed a negative connotation. Gay. Or the “G-word” if you like. How many times have you heard kids (or adults unfortunately) refer to something as “gay” when what they really mean is something is lame, stupid or weird? Hearing this use of the word gay is just as offensive to a homosexual person as the term retarded is for a person with intellectual disabilities.

If something is lame, say it’s lame. If it’s stupid or weird, say stupid or weird. Don’t say gay.  At best, using the term gay as a derogatory slam is a lazy way to express yourself.  At worst, it’s hurtful and demeaning to an entire group of people.

As parents hopefully we try to promote the value of tolerance, acceptance and sensitivity in our children toward people who are different from us. By letting our kids casually call something gay as a way to berate it, we give the green light for prejudice and discrimination.

To those that would argue that this is just a silly issue of  “word police” or political correctness and banning words is (insert) retarded/gay, I would say that if you’re the one on the end of a slur, it matters. And it should matter to all of us who tell our kids that other people’s feelings count.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

The lazy days of summer?

A long school year has ended, a much anticipated summer break has begun, and I've already heard one of the most dreaded phrases a mother can hear - “I'm bored, Mom. What are we going to do today?”

Over the last nine months, school has kept kids occupied for over seven hours each weekday. Extracurricular activities accounted for even more of their time. Now each day stretches before them just waiting to be filled with what they hope will be one “awesome” activity after another.

But how should that time really be spent?

For those of us who experienced childhood some time ago (you know who you are) summertime really just meant a break from the routine of school. Vacations, camps, trips to the swimming pool – even a trip to get ice cream- were a treat, meaning they happened on occasion. In contrast, it seems that the expectation today's parents have for themselves is to deliver an action-packed smorgasbord of exciting and/or educational experiences for their kids. My mom put very little effort into arranging my summer days to make sure they were fun. That was largely my responsibility. I wonder why we've had this shift in just one generation and what that effect might be on our children.

It would be great if the result of giving kids more and more was that they appreciated what they had more and more. Unfortunately, sometimes the more we offer, the higher we set the bar for ourselves as parents to keep up. Instead of enjoying the current moment, kids are conditioned to ask “what's next?”

For each child, there is an optimum balance between scheduled “big fun” activity and complete free time and parents have the difficult task of figuring out what that is. It's easy to  assume that bigger is better, but I'm always surprised that the best memories my kids have had from past summers often don't include the “big ticket” items I thought they would enjoy most.

I suggest dialing down our kids' and our own expectations of what makes a great summer. Let's put less pressure on ourselves as parents to keep our kids busy and entertained and let them learn how to engage themselves. Not letting them find their own way out of boredom is doing them a disservice. (Besides, the more you do with your kids, the worse I look to mine.   This philosophy already isn't earning me any popularity points in my house.)

As parents, so much of our own pleasure comes from watching our kids have fun. But we don't need to focus solely on their experience. Summer is fleeting. Make sure you're enjoying it too.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Gold Stars All Around

When my children were babies, I remember the pediatrician recording their heights and weights meticulously every visit on their growth charts. As they steadily went up the curve, it seemed like a solid indication that I was doing something right as a parent (even though I knew babies are pretty much just programmed to grow.) Talking with other new mothers, we couldn't help but compare notes on who had the longest baby, the heaviest baby, etc. You got a secret thrill if your child was “excelling” at height or some other trait attributable to genetics, but nevertheless, hopefully reflected on your parenting skill.

From then, the bar was set to whose child was already sleeping through the night, had  mastered potty training or was an early reader. Heaven forbid the other toddlers were walking already and your kid could be used as a doorstop.

Although my kids are older now, not much has changed. I can't help but be made aware of the many achievements of children all around me. Driving around town, bumper stickers tell me who is the proud parent of a cub scout, an honor roll student and a D.A.R.E. Graduate. I saw a web site recently poking fun at this phenomenon by selling “achievement” bumper stickers for adults that read “Got off the Couch” and “Went to Work”. It does makes you wonder what motivates us to announce our accomplishments so publicly. (Thank you for advancing the cause Twitter and Facebook.)

I think kids inherently know, unless we convince them otherwise, what true achievement  means. If you've earned a real trophy, being handed one for merely participating doesn't feel the same. Every minor accomplishment that results in a gold star diminishes real effort and hard work.

I'm all for fostering esteem in children. I drank the Kool Aid long ago about how critical it is to  develop this make or break trait early and often. And I hope I've done a good job of it with my kids. It feels like the holy grail of good parenting. But the line between self esteem and self promotion is getting fuzzy.

Trying to encourage the attributes of modesty and humility is an uphill battle when our culture so often embraces a “look at me” philosophy. Kids emulate the elaborate touchdown celebrations of their favorite athletes. The more outrageous a reality show “star” is the more attention they receive. And attention seems to be what we're after. When we do witness someone being humble, it's so noteworthy and refreshing because it seems unusual.

We've done a good job in our culture promoting self esteem in our kids. Being proud of one's  abilities and accomplishments is a good thing. Our challenge as parents is to balance that  trait with the equally important qualities of modesty, humbleness and humility in our children.

We have to live with them you know.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/