Gold Stars All Around

When my children were babies, I remember the pediatrician recording their heights and weights meticulously every visit on their growth charts. As they steadily went up the curve, it seemed like a solid indication that I was doing something right as a parent (even though I knew babies are pretty much just programmed to grow.) Talking with other new mothers, we couldn't help but compare notes on who had the longest baby, the heaviest baby, etc. You got a secret thrill if your child was “excelling” at height or some other trait attributable to genetics, but nevertheless, hopefully reflected on your parenting skill.

From then, the bar was set to whose child was already sleeping through the night, had  mastered potty training or was an early reader. Heaven forbid the other toddlers were walking already and your kid could be used as a doorstop.

Although my kids are older now, not much has changed. I can't help but be made aware of the many achievements of children all around me. Driving around town, bumper stickers tell me who is the proud parent of a cub scout, an honor roll student and a D.A.R.E. Graduate. I saw a web site recently poking fun at this phenomenon by selling “achievement” bumper stickers for adults that read “Got off the Couch” and “Went to Work”. It does makes you wonder what motivates us to announce our accomplishments so publicly. (Thank you for advancing the cause Twitter and Facebook.)

I think kids inherently know, unless we convince them otherwise, what true achievement  means. If you've earned a real trophy, being handed one for merely participating doesn't feel the same. Every minor accomplishment that results in a gold star diminishes real effort and hard work.

I'm all for fostering esteem in children. I drank the Kool Aid long ago about how critical it is to  develop this make or break trait early and often. And I hope I've done a good job of it with my kids. It feels like the holy grail of good parenting. But the line between self esteem and self promotion is getting fuzzy.

Trying to encourage the attributes of modesty and humility is an uphill battle when our culture so often embraces a “look at me” philosophy. Kids emulate the elaborate touchdown celebrations of their favorite athletes. The more outrageous a reality show “star” is the more attention they receive. And attention seems to be what we're after. When we do witness someone being humble, it's so noteworthy and refreshing because it seems unusual.

We've done a good job in our culture promoting self esteem in our kids. Being proud of one's  abilities and accomplishments is a good thing. Our challenge as parents is to balance that  trait with the equally important qualities of modesty, humbleness and humility in our children.

We have to live with them you know.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/