In good company

Over the weeks I’ve written this column I’ve tried to present topical parenting issues and the different perspectives people have about them. Lately it’s occurred to me that although it may seem like many problems we face are unique to our current time, parents have really always had the same fundamental issues to grapple with. While it’s new territory for us, generations have been through this process. So, in that vein, here are some thoughts I’ve borrowed from parents past and present.

“Motherhood is like Albania – you can’t trust the description in the books, you have to go there.” – Marni Jackson

I read a lot of parenting books when I was pregnant. And I literally took every class the hospital offered on taking care of newborns. Then I re-read the books. Taking care of babies was still more overwhelming, more humbling and more joyful than I ever could have imagined. It’s an experience that can’t be conveyed, but going through it gives you a hundred kindred spirits.

“If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do well matters that much.” – Jackie Kennedy

This one does put the pressure on us, but I think it’s true. It keeps whatever competing areas you might have in your life in the proper perspective.

“A rich child often sits in a poor mother’s lap.” – Danish proverb

In our affluent area, it’s easy to feel like giving kids the latest computer game or Aeropostale shirt is a mandatory part of somehow showing them you care. I like this quote because it’s a reminder that the most valuable things we can give our children can’t be purchased.

“Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it.” – Harold S. Hulbert

We don’t always remember that children are not miniature adults. They’re new at this, too.  And even when they look grown up, they aren’t. They need our patience, acceptance and love even when we feel like our resources are depleted.

“A woman is like a tea bag – only in hot water do you realize how strong she is.” – Nancy Reagan

Sometimes it’s not until we’re tested as parents that we know what we can really handle. And you can be sure that our children are watching and learning from our method.

“The most important thing she’d learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.” – Jill Churchill

Enough said.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Staying "connected" through cell phones

Kids and cell phones. If ever there was a love/hate relationship for parents, this would have to be it.

On one hand, a child having a cell phone can be incredibly helpful. Aside from the obvious advantage of parents and kids being able to reach each other in an emergency, everyday situations arise that make having instant contact beneficial. If your child is lobbying for a phone, he or she will undoubtedly tout the many ways you will be able to stay connected. (Because that’s what every kid really wants a cell phone for – to have as much contact with their parents as possible, right?)

In reality, with all that cell phones are currently capable of, your child may really be using their phone for texting friends, taking photos, playing games and surfing the Internet. And kids may not be exaggerating when they claim “all their friends have them” when 75% of 12 to 17 year olds own cell phones (according to the Pew Internet and American Life Project, April 20, 2010.)

If you’re still holding out and your child doesn’t have a cell phone you may be thinking that sexting, cyber-bullying and other bad things kids do with their phones are thankfully off your radar. No phone, no problems. Unfortunately, even if your child doesn’t have their own phone, how other kids use theirs affects your child as well.

In situations where kids should be playing, talking or just hanging out –opportunities to enjoy someone’s company and develop social skills- a cell phone butts in with its snazzy ringtone alerting the owner that something potentially more interesting awaits. Conversation is interrupted; face to face interaction is disengaged. Sadly, a flesh and blood human being can’t always compete with such an advanced gadget. When one kid’s cell phone takes priority, both kids lose out.

It’s not just an issue of manners, either. Research indicates that when kids rely mainly on texting to communicate, they fail to develop basic conversational skills. Being able to read body language and facial expressions is hindered. Even maintaining eye contact is difficult. With no practice mastering these skills with their peers, and no apparent need to, they simply aren’t developing.

What does this mean for the kind of relationships our kids build with each other and with us? I’m a mom – I need warm, fuzzy moments. Emoticons don’t cut it. Will they be enough for future generations?

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Can you officially flunk parenting?

Seeing “needs improvement” or “unsatisfactory” on a report card is disappointing. Imagine if that grade applied to you, from a teacher evaluating your parenting skills.

Earlier this year state lawmakers in Florida proposed a bill called “Parental Involvement and Accountability in Public Schools.” The purpose of the bill was to set standards of accountability for academic success for parents of students pre-kindergarten through 12^th grade. For those parents of children ages pre-K to 3^rd grade, report cards would include a grade of parental involvement as assessed by the teacher. Along with overall attendance and tardy rates, categories to be graded would include how well parents communicate with teachers, how they respond to requests for meetings, if their children are prepared for tests and have completed homework and if they are providing proper meals at home and ensuring their child gets enough sleep.

Some give it an A+

Those in favor of the bill say teachers can only be expected to do so much when it comes to determining how successful a student is in school. Parents need to be held more responsible for providing the home environment necessary to thrive. Children would benefit by parents having a clear set of expectations - and being evaluated on how well they are achieving these goals. Proponents of the idea feel this is in the best interest of the child and may encourage those parents who receive “unsatisfactory” grades to improve their parenting skills.

Others give it an F

Critics of the argument say that parents understand their children’s needs best and how they choose to parent should not be mandated by the government. Also, it is unfair to judge all parents on the same criteria. Families in which both parents work feel they will be found lacking in terms of how involved they are able to be at school when compared to families where one parent is at home and can volunteer in the classroom or organize school events. Others feel that in regards to older children, it makes more sense for the actual student to be held primarily responsible for his or her success rather than parents.

Ultimately, the Parental Involvement and Accountability in Public Schools bill in Florida didn’t pass.

It’s an interesting debate, however, with both sides having compelling arguments on how children are best served. It remains to be seen if the issue gains interest in the future in other states.

For now, be glad your kid isn’t threatening to take away your TV privileges for a bad report card.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/