A job well done

Something sort of magical happened with my son’s recent social studies project. His class was studying geography and the assignment was to make a map of an imaginary country which included all the signs and symbols they were studying in class. At first, his usual procrastination set in, along with complaints about doing such a big project on the weekend, the “when am I ever going to need to know this” argument, etc. Then he started the project. And it grew into an elaborately sketched out plan, with islands and mountain ranges and railroads connecting multiple cities. Different options about what to include on the map were considered at length. The markers and crayons came out to carefully color this intricate design. By the time my son was done, he ended up spending hours embellishing the project well beyond the requirements. He was proud of his work and excited to turn it in.

I felt like he turned a corner that day – realizing that doing a good job is its own reward. He understood there would be no extra credit for his extra effort, no gold star, no “reward bucks” teachers often use for motivation – the work itself was enough. 

Hopefully this lesson will linger with him and as he grows older he’ll make the connection that when you find work you enjoy and you’re good at, it doesn’t really seem like “work.” Expending only the minimal effort required isn’t acceptable anymore because you really care about what you’re doing and you want to do it well. Doing a good job becomes the norm because that’s the standard you set for yourself, not for teachers and not for parents. I suspect that once a person internalizes this value, whatever definition of success or happiness they have is easier to achieve.

Don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of things this particular twelve year old boy has pretty low standards for (a clean room and personal hygiene for instance.) My hope however, is that when it comes to whatever work becomes important to him - when no one’s watching and no prize is being dangled -he still does a good job.

This column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Taboos, red flags and no-no's

Upon becoming wives and mothers, my best friend and I made a pact with each other about our behavior as future mothers-in-law and grandmothers. If one of us witnesses the other person committing certain heinous acts which often stereotype these roles, we promise without hesitation to call each other out on it. No sugar coating, no mercy, just a blunt “Do you realize what you just said?” Below are some of the four alarm phrases for which we remain on high alert.

“Don’t you look cute! Are you sure you want to wear your hair like that?”

Well we were sure, but thank you for taking our self-esteem down to junior high levels. This type of phrase we sincerely hope never to inflict on our daughters, daughters-in-law, granddaughters or anyone of the female persuasion.

“I did (insert outdated parenting strategy) with all my kids. Surely I know how to take care of my own grandchildren!”

Baby aspirin for a fever, rum in a bottle to induce sleep, laying infants on their bellies to nap – all good intentions but bad advice. Child rearing practices evolve, which is actually not a personal affront to the way anyone did it before. We solemnly vow to respect our children’s intelligence and wishes when they raise their own children.

“Here’s a little present just for you. Just don’t tell the other grandkids, okay?”

A grandparent may secretly have a favorite grandchild, but the key is to keep it secret. We promise not to play favorites that can put the “chosen one” in an awkward position and make all the other grandkids (and parents) resentful.

“But Christmas has always been at our house.”

The torch must be passed – with grace, not guilt. Every young family deserves to build memories and traditions in their own home for Christmas morning, Thanksgiving dinner, Groundhog Day, whatever. We sincerely hope that when our family comes to our house it’s because they truly want to, not because they feel obligated.

My friend and I would like to think we would never commit these sorts of infractions. However, no one who makes these statements ever intends to annoy or offend their targets. These phrases just sort of sneak in, especially if someone feels they are entitled to such remarks because of their “older and wiser” status. So, here’s hoping (with a little tough love) we can avoid these pitfalls and be the mother-in-law and grandmother who everyone loves to have come visit. Because dropping in unexpectedly on your daughter-in-law is always okay, right?

This column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Getting schooled

Another school year has begun signifying the next mile marker in our children’s lives. As my kids head out the door with their bulging back packs and an over the shoulder “see ya” casually thrown my way, I feel the first wave of nostalgia hit. Could these really be the same kids in kindergarten not so long ago? So small and vulnerable that their names had to be pinned to the front of their shirts? Dropping them off that first day I remember them quickly being engulfed by a sea of kids making their way to their teachers. The school seemed to swallow them up whole as I waved my last goodbye. They were fine. Me - not so much.

Would they make friends? Would they make friends l liked? Would they get a good teacher? Would they find their way among the masses? The concerns I had on that first day of kindergarten are largely the same ones I have at the beginning of every school year, even years later. Despite my kids’ shoe sizes rivaling my own now, when I look in their faces I still the eager six year olds trotting off to school with their cartoon lunch boxes.

Even if I wanted to linger in the past, back to school shopping yanks me forward. The closet of clothes that fit last season all need replaced. Cuffs on sleeves have surreptitiously crept up arms. Ankles are exposed from jeans that are now floods. Feet can’t be crammed into old tennis shoes. This quick and constant physical metamorphosis can’t be denied.

If that weren’t enough, looming just ahead are the social and academic challenges I know await them. Some days the thought of it is overwhelming. I have to remind myself that although the specifics may change, we’ve actually been navigating this territory for awhile. Every year has had its ups and downs and we’ve handled the job of growing up pretty steadily. While I may wistfully remember a school supply list that included glitter glue and safety scissors instead of flash drives and five subject notebooks, I don’t really want to go back. What’s ahead looks so interesting. 

So, with the beginning of each school year I have the same wish. I hope my kids get excited about learning something, find good friends to connect with and come a little further on the path of knowing themselves. It’s a big job, and my role in it changes. While I literally held their hand on the journey before, more and more they will need to find their own way. Sometimes the urge to grab on tighter is strong, but my job is to let go gracefully – again and again.


Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

 

Back when I was your age...

Now and then my kids like to be regaled with stories from my childhood. They gasp at what they consider my “backwards” youth and I feel like a dinosaur, but its good family fun so I indulge them.

To their disbelief, there was once a time when people didn’t have to wear seatbelts. If this weren’t shocking enough to them, I include that when my mom drove our station wagon, she would fold down the back seat and my brothers and I would just free float around back there. If we wanted our window down we had to roll it manually, which was preferable because she and just about every other adult smoked – in the car, at home, in restaurants, while pregnant. We ingested as much second hand smoke as our beloved Jiffy Pop popcorn.

Speaking of cars, our “minivan” was the classic variety with big square picture windows, curtains, a table in the back and a little frig. There was no built in DVD player though, so car trip entertainment was limited to cards, books, license plate bingo and tormenting siblings by drawing an imaginary line they couldn’t cross (some pleasures stand the test of time.)

Our phones were attached to the wall with a long curly cord and the privacy of a conversation was limited to how far the cord could stretch around the corner. No caller ID and no answering machine made avoiding people you didn’t want to talk to impossible. Our cameras required film which you had to drop off at the Kodak photo hut in town. It was always a mystery what your pictures might turn out like since you couldn’t see them instantly, which made getting them back (a week later) kind of exciting.

No microwaves meant Mom had to wait for the oven to heat up or water to boil to make dinner – which we all ate together. Whole families often shared one bathroom. Only kids with really crooked teeth got braces. Nobody wore a helmet when they rode a bike, cartoons could only be watched on Saturday morning and nothing was open on Sunday. 

These conversations are always a source of surprise and fascination for my kids – and remind me how different their own day to day life is. Of course, grandparents’ stories are even more entertaining, which usually follow a theme like walking barefoot in the snow to get to and from school (uphill both ways.)

I wonder what stories my kids will tell about their youth to amaze their children. It will be fun to hear their perspective. For now, my daughter’s shock when I tell her I got paid one dollar an hour to babysit is enough amusement for me.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

What's good about bad role models

If your kids’ childhood is anything like my kids’, it’s pretty nice. Nice schools, nice neighbors, nice friends, nice family . . . their world has been carefully designed and monitored by me and my husband to be as good as possible (as it should be.) But now and again a rogue influence arrives in an unexpected package – a bad adult role model.

I’m not talking about something as horrible as a child abuser or predator here, just your garden variety bad example for being a grown-up. It can be quite a shock when your child has his or her first experience with one. After all, as good parents we try to manipulate our children’s world to include as many good role models as we can. The vast majority of adults my kids have come in contact with in our area (at school, in camps, in stores, pretty much everywhere) have been so consistently pleasant, friendly and helpful to children as to be an invisible (but expected) backdrop in their lives. Sure, kids deal with other kids who are not always nice, but when they unexpectedly experience an adult who is thoughtless, rude, selfish or mean, their universe gets a little rocked. 

Our first instinct is to remove this particular offender from our child’s life, which is often the best reaction. But with some issues, and when children reach a certain maturity level, the example a bad role model provides can be quite educational. How do people react to this person? How are they regarded? What effect might this have on their daily life? We can talk about these life lessons hypothetically until we’re blue in the face, but to see a living, breathing example of what not to do can be much more powerful.

Of course, we want to teach compassion and tolerance for difficult people. We can’t always know why anyone acts the way they do. The reality, however, is that not all adults turn out well. Those who routinely act poorly don’t deserve a free pass just because of their grown up status. If we make excuses for their bad behavior because it’s uncomfortable to address or easier to gloss over, we tell our kids that what we consider important now – kindness, fairness, patience, etc. - can be considered negotiable when they’re older.

Bus drivers, teachers, coaches, relatives -  lots of adults float in and out of our kids’ lives, and not all of them are great. But bad role models can serve a purpose, too. They’re part of the “real world” that we’re sending our kids into and they can provide valuable vicarious lessons if we let them. 

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

It could be worse

I have a dog that routinely embarrasses me. Although I know golden retrievers have a reputation for being friendly, this description does not begin to convey my dog’s affection for every human being on the planet. Upon meeting a girlfriend of mine, my unruly hound licked her face clean of all makeup in one split second assault. She almost broke my uncle’s nose when he bent to pet her and she exploded with 80 pounds of force straight into his face to “kiss” him. I have spent the last seven years apologizing for my dog’s exuberance. Two attempts at obedience school have not made a dent in this problem. I’ve since learned that my canine suffers from “excessive greeting disorder.” (There is an actual support group for this.) I can make her sit. I can make her stay. I cannot curb her all-consuming need to smother the world with her brand of love.

So, I look at this way. There are worse problems than having the world’s friendliest dog. Aside from her overactive enthusiasm, she is also sweet, gentle and doesn’t have a mean bone in her body. She is a giant furry pillow the kids can do anything to without complaint. She’s my shadow, silently following me room to room just to be near me. This dog approaches every man, woman and child with the expectation that they will be her next best friend. You have to admire that kind of optimism and faith in humankind.

Seeing her from this perspective helps temper her overbearing moments. It strikes me that successful parenting is also largely a matter of adjusting one’s perspective. Have a toddler that refuses to be potty-trained? Think “independent free thinker.” Awkward child who prefers his or her own company to the masses? Try “introspective non-conformist.” Kid who won’t stop talking and drives you crazy with incessant questions? “Inquisitive people-person.” Video game junkie with no ambition to leave the couch? Well…let me think about that one.

I can work on improving my child’s (or my dog’s) behavior, but if a trait is hard-wired, I’m better off to see the potential positive side of it. I only frustrate myself (and them) trying to wish it away. One of my favorite quotes comes from my kids’ preschool days. “You get what you get and you don’t get upset.” Looking at the bright side of a situation really does improve your ability to deal with it.

I try to keep this philosophy in mind as I see another unwitting victim approach our yard to pet the big yellow dog with the goofy smile and the tail wagging 90 miles an hour. Yes, she’s “enthusiastic” – and I wouldn’t have her any other way.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Pride and Joy

With high school and college graduations approaching, parents are filled with pride for their children who have reached this important milestone. While the ceremony marks a significant academic achievement, it’s also a time for parents to reflect on the personal qualities of their child that make them proud. For those of us with kids who won’t be wearing caps and gowns for many years yet, we have to recognize their accomplishments on a smaller scale – the day to day moments that foretell what kind of person they are becoming. Although hearing your child utter an unprompted “please,” “thank you” or “you’re welcome” is always nice, here are some other ways they make us proud.

Siblings who get along

It’s a beautiful thing when you witness your children actually enjoying each other’s company – seeking one another out for games or as older kids, even conversations. Unfortunately, the nature of sibling dynamics means their relationship can fluctuate from “never leave my side” to “your mere presence irritates me” even hours apart. At the end of the day however, if your kids generally like one another and get along, pat yourself on the back. If you have children who will defend each other against other kids, you really have something to be proud of.

A kid who doesn’t buy into their own hype

Recently my son drew one of his many pictures. After I gushed over what a good job I thought he did, he said, “Thanks but it’s just alright – not that great.” I realized then I was more proud of his statement than his picture. He didn’t need me to promote his self-esteem (which seems an ongoing, unconscious effort of parents now). He just looked at his own work, saw its flaws and without feeling down about it or himself, drew another picture. My endorsement wasn’t what he was seeking anymore – it was his own.

A child who is kind when no one’s watching

In parenting, this is like winning the “Grand Ultimate Supreme” -  to borrow a phrase from the child beauty pageant world. A compassionate child, who acts from the goodness of their heart, without hope of recognition or reward, is a gift to the world. If this is your child, how lucky you are.

Why wait for a ceremony to announce that it’s time to be proud of your kids? “I’m proud of you” is right up there with “I love you” – don’t be stingy with it. Take pride in yourself as a parent, too. The wonderful qualities your children possess have been born at home and nurtured by you.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Appreciating the "classics" of parental wisdom

As I go through the daily job of parenting, often various nuggets of “wisdom” from my own parents pop in my head (and roll off my tongue much to my dismay.) Many of these phrases fall into the category of misguided advice or empty threats that, although well-intentioned, lack something in the veracity department. Maybe you recognize some of the following.

There are starving children in China who would love to eat that.

I doubt any kid on the planet would want to eat my mother’s “creamed chipped beef on toast” – a regrettable combination of packaged meat topped with a “cream” resembling wall paper paste which saturated a perfectly good piece of toast. Why a kid from China, in particular, should be subjected to this I don’t know.

Don’t make that face or it will freeze that way.

It’s funny this phrase had any credence at all as many kids purposely made awful faces just to see if it would stick. The related “don’t cross your eyes or they’ll stay that way” was another adage that was more challenge than threat.

Never wear holey underwear – what if you’re in a car wreck and they have to cut your clothes off?

Are paramedics allowed to refuse treatment to patients with questionable undergarments? If I’m in a car wreck serious enough to require the removal of my clothes I’ve got bigger concerns than dying of embarrassment.

Eat your carrots. They’re good for your eyes.

Actually all vegetables are good for your eyes in the sense that eating healthy is a smart idea for every part of your body.  At the time this phrase was coined, moms must have found carrots to be a particularly hard sell to kids.

Of course, some advice does stand the test of time.

If so- and- so jumped off a bridge, would you?

This is a perennial favorite because parents understand there is no other answer than “no” to this classic peer pressure question. It’s one of the few phrases in our arsenal for which kids have no reasonable comeback.

Go play outside.

This one has particular weight today as many kids’ relationship to their iPads far surpasses any connection to the great outdoors. As evidence, a childhood condition called “nature deficit disorder” actually exists now. Seriously, I couldn’t make that one up.

Always do your best.

Not the easiest advice to follow – at any age. If there was one phrase to live by though, this one’s a keeper.  

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Independence Day

Recently my two children were allowed to ride their bikes (without me) to a local coffee shop to buy themselves a couple of donuts on a Sunday morning. No big deal, right? Wrong. The invasion of Normandy required less advance planning. Helmets securely fastened? Check. Mental map of the intended path with areas of potential hazard discussed? Check. Strict instructions to stay together? Check. Cell phone to call me when they arrived safely? Check. Me waiting anxiously for the phone to ring? Check.

The trip was a success and the kids were thrilled to have had this small freedom and sense of independence. I was happy to give it to them. I remember loving this feeling as a kid. These breaks from parental supervision weren’t just fun, but important. Right or wrong, my parents allowed a much wider circle of freedom for me. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to give my own kids such a long tether - partly because what was typical parenting back then would almost be considered negligent now. My peers and I were often left to our own devices where it was assumed we would appear at the end of the day relatively unscathed. The merits of this approach can be debated, but there is a case for letting kids have a world outside their parents’ constant gaze, where every movement and decision is monitored.

And yet, danger does lurk and children are vulnerable. So we worry - as parents have always done. Did I mention that the bike trip took only about thirty minutes and was almost exclusively on sidewalks? But my fear is real – something might happen to them. Although something will definitely happen to my children if I don’t let them develop self-confidence by letting them be independent.

Kids think they can handle new situations when they sense that we believe they can. If we give them the message that they can’t rely on themselves, we succeed in making them anxious, fearful and insecure - attributes the world will definitely take advantage of.

Our challenge is temper our need to keep them safe with their need to take risks. I suspect this is one of the many push/pull areas we will have in our relationship with growing children. Making the job harder is the fact that each new freedom must be considered on a case by case basis. We have to continually feel our way in the dark and hope the risks we allow are the right ones. 

If you know how to do this, please tell me. Today it was donuts, who knows what path is in store for us tomorrow. 

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

An attempt at sparkling dinner conversation

We all know by now that as parents we should be having regular family dinners together. Research shows that families who routinely convene for meals have children who get better grades, are less depressed, don’t do drugs, etc. If these results could be achieved by simply placing a healthy meal in front of our kids, that would be great. The magic happens, however, because of the conversation and connection we are developing with them at these regular intervals. Unfortunately, I fear my children are in grave danger of becoming social misfits because our dinner table conversation quickly deteriorates into bodily function jokes on a nightly basis.

So in an effort to elevate the level of discourse between the members of my own family, and possibly yours too, I researched various kid-friendly conversation starters to try during dinnertime. Hopefully these suggestions can get you beyond the standard “how was your day” and “what did you learn at school today” which always seem to elicit “fine” and “nothing” in my house.

The list of questions below is separated by age group, but almost any question could be asked of any child. When you run out, your kids may have some interesting questions for you.

For little ones

How would the world be different if animals could talk?

What would you do if you could be invisible for a day?

If you could tell me to never serve two foods again, what would they be?

What weird or unusual pet would you like to have if you could pick anything?

If you could choose a new name for yourself, what would you choose?

For tweens

Which of your friends do you think I like the most? Why?

If you could change one rule our family has, what would it be?

What is the hardest thing about being your age?

Have you ever had a dream that really scared you?

What’s the best gift you’ve ever received?

For teenagers

At what age should a person be considered an adult?

If you could grow up to be famous, what would you want to be famous for?

What does the word “success” mean to you?

What is the nicest thing a friend has ever done for you?

Tell me three things you remember about kindergarten.

If you could travel back in time three years and visit your younger self, what advice would you give yourself?

(Sources: www.minds-in-bloom.com, www.familyeducation.com, www.scholastic.com)

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

In praise of quiet kids

Which type of child is “easier” to parent? The gregarious kid who loves new situations and talks to anyone easily? Or the quiet child who prefers to watch from the sidelines before trying new activities or speaking up? In our culture, being an extrovert is highly valued. Outgoing, talkative kids are seen as more socially confident, popular and successful. Introverted children are often encouraged to be “coaxed out of their shell” and be more like their extroverted peers. 

For those children who are naturally extroverted, they have a great set of skills to draw from to find their way in the world. Introverts do too, just with a different repertoire of abilities. Unfortunately however, being quiet is generally underrated in our society, especially in children I think.

First, it’s important to make the distinction between being shy and being introverted. Shyness involves avoiding people or social situations because one feels anxious or nervous. Introversion essentially means someone is more energized by being alone than in groups. Introverts can have excellent social skills and develop great relationships; they just don’t need a crowd to do it.

Here’s what multiple sources of research have determined about introverted children:

-They tend to listen more than they talk. When they do talk, they say what they mean. When they really care about something, they talk a lot.

-They don’t brag about their achievements because they don’t like being the center of attention, even when it’s positive.

-They are very aware of their surroundings, noticing details others don’t. They concentrate deeply on subjects they find interesting.

-They want to know what things mean, what makes people tick and can reflect on their own behavior.

-They are less vulnerable to peer pressure because they use their own thoughts and feelings as a guide about what to do.

Well-known introverts include Steven Spielberg, J.K. Rowling, Steve Wozniak and the co-founder of Google, Larry Page. If that crowd is not impressive enough, Albert Einstein, Charles Darwin, Sir Isaac Newton and Ghandi were also all considered introverts.

Wherever a child lands on the introvert/extrovert spectrum, they need to know their personality doesn’t need to be altered to be considered “right.” In our hyper-connected society where the more  Facebook friends and Linked In connections one has the better, and being in the spotlight is so often intensely pursued, our quiet kids can remind us that turning our attention inward can be pretty worthwhile, too. 

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Does this column make me look fat?

Sometimes I want to give every young girl I see a big hug and reassure her that she looks absolutely fine just the way she is. It’s not easy being a girl now. It probably never was, but the pressure to be thin and achieve some idealized standard of beauty weighs heavier on girls now than ever before. From all angles, girls get the message that their perfectly healthy, strong, normally developing bodies aren’t good enough.

According to the National Institute on Media and the Family, a survey of 9 and 10 year old girls indicated that 40% have already tried to lose weight. By age 13, 53% of American girls are unhappy with their bodies. By age 17, this rate jumps to 78%. 

Who’s to blame?

The media

Is it possible to get through the checkout aisle at the grocery store without nearly every magazine telling you how to lose weight, look sexier and get a hot guy? Are television shows and commercials any better? At a time when the self-esteem of young girls is most vulnerable, our culture encourages them only to see their “imperfections.” 

Peers

Accepting yourself is tough when no one else seems to be doing it. Recent research on how peers influence body image discovered that conversations among high school girls focused on appearance, dieting and weight-monitoring as a part of every day (source: Sage Journals, Feminism & Psychology.) Girls are harsh critics, with each other and themselves.

Mothers

Although the media and peers have a significant influence on how girls view their body, their own mothers play a huge role as well. In the article Helping Girls With Body Image researchers on the subject note “Girls take to heart what their mothers say about bodies: their own, their daughters, those of strangers and celebrities. They notice when their mothers exercise obsessively, diet constantly, or make derogatory comments about their own appearance. That should come as no surprise, as mothers are a girl’s first and, often, most influential role model.”

What do we do with all this information? It’s unrealistic to think we can shield our daughters from every negative influence regarding their body image. As with most parenting issues however, the messages we send our kids consistently are the ones they will absorb the most. Girls need to know that their body is beautiful even if it doesn’t fit into their skinny jeans.   

Of course, they’ll only believe this if we do.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

The new rules of competition

Competition begins early in life – and rightly so. There are many great lessons kids can learn from competing with their peers. They see that hard work and practice can lead to success. Fellow competitors can be respected and admired for their skill. Teammates feel the camaraderie of working towards a common goal. Finally, kids have an opportunity to learn humility by taking losses in stride and being a gracious loser.

Too bad the adults that kids see paraded on television every night on reality competition shows rarely display any of these admirable qualities. The endless list of programs like The Apprentice, American Idol, Survivor, Dance Moms and even Chopped and Cupcake Wars give credence to the worst possible approaches to competition. Here’s what kids learn from the adults on these types of shows:

Blatantly promote yourself

The first step as a competitor on a reality show is to tell everyone how great you are. Skill and talent are not a prerequisite, but overconfidence is. The more entitled you feel you are to win, the better. The point here is to get attention and outrageous claims get you more air time.  Winning may actually be a secondary goal; the primary thrill just having the spotlight focused on you. 

Trash talk your competition

The flip side of promoting yourself is, of course, to denigrate your competitors. Catty, immature remarks are expected here. Don’t worry about anything you say actually being true. Or hurting anyone’s feelings. If you happen to win, crank it up a notch. 

Throw your teammates under the bus

After you have developed relationships with people on your team, form “alliances” against them. Have fun voting them off and eliminating them. Do this secretly if you can. Or do this as a group so you can publicly humiliate your former “teammates.” 

Be a sore loser

Go for the “wow” factor here. Throw a huge fit with tantrums, tears - even physically destroy something if possible. Include one last tirade of how you were wronged by your competitors.  Don’t forget to include why you deserved to win.  

The only redeeming value I can see to kids watching reality competition shows is that it illustrates in full color, high definition what not to do. In this culture, I guess we’ll take our role models where we can.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Parental Rites of Passage

It occurred to me recently that parenthood involves navigating through certain “rites of passage,” events that are universal to every parent, difficult in nature and designed to teach us something. While some of the more obvious rites of passage may include letting children go on their first date or seeing them off to college, most of us have to get through several grittier challenges prior to this. These might include:

Having a child vomit in the worst possible place or at the worst possible time.

My sister-in-law recently flew back home with her sons, ages three and five, after spending a week with us. While on the plane, one son became ill and started to vomit. After that flight, their next connection was delayed three hours, which meant more vomiting in the airport bathrooms. Did I mention she was travelling alone?

Other worst case scenarios include having a child vomit in the crevices of a friend’s car, on the bedding in a hotel where you have no access to a washing machine and during any important event or ceremony. I’m sure many of you reading can even top these.

Over-reacting to a medical “emergency.”

It’s all so overwhelming as a new parent, isn’t it? What could the baby possibly have eaten that would produce a diaper like that? How can it be normal to see an infant’s heartbeat pulse in that vulnerable fontanelle? Pediatricians should really have punch cards for parents during the first year so they can get a free visit after coming in for so many unnecessary ones.

I once placed a frantic call to the doctor to get in right away when my son broke out in inexplicable spots – head to toe. The doctor explained that this was his particular (and unusual) way to respond to the common cold. I’m sure the forty-five minutes we spent in the waiting room during the “sick hours” gave us some germs to really be concerned about.

Saying goodbye to the Tooth Fairy, Santa, Easter Bunny, etc.

Part of the fun of having kids is the “make believe” we get to relive with them. That is, until they get a little older and realize that Santa’s handwriting on the gift tag is the same as yours- and he uses the same wrapping paper. Or, upon your daughter losing her first tooth, you realize too late that you only have a $20 bill in your wallet. Now she and every subsequent child expect this windfall with every tooth they lose. It’s not as magical, but a lot more practical, to say goodbye to our fanciful friends.

This column isn’t long enough to address the many other challenges we face on our path through parenthood. But since a rite of passage by definition “affirms community and solidarity, especially in times of change or crisis,” it’s good to know we’re in excellent company together.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

"Un-resolutions" for parents

A new year and the pressure to improve ourselves with various resolutions begins. We start with the best intentions January 1^st, but soon enough old habits creep back in and our motivation fizzles.

What if not having a goal was our goal? I think a better strategy for success would be a list of “un-resolutions” – what we shouldn’t do instead of what we should do. As parents, our “to do” list seems never-ending. Maybe taking a few things off our plate, and depositing them on our kids’, would help us both.

Here’s a list of things we could resolve not to do anymore for our children. Let yourself off the hook and try a few.

This year I resolve not to: 

Find or replace all their lost stuff

Some lessons are learned the hard way. Whether it’s a favorite shirt, a Nintendo or a wallet, losing something important is difficult. The plus side is that once you’ve been careless with something valuable, hopefully you become more responsible with your possessions in the future. That is, unless mom or dad replaces that treasured item before the message gets a chance to sink in.

Pay my kid for doing nothing

Giving kids money for doing chores – yes. Giving them money for simply existing – no. In the real world, you get paid when you work. Not when you eat Cheetos on the couch and play Wii. Having an allowance is great for learning money management, but part of that lesson is understanding how you earn money in the first place. 

Take ownership of their school work

Who wants to do sixth grade math again? Once is enough for me. It is my child’s responsibility to learn it now. I can help, but if I’m more concerned about an upcoming test than they are, that’s a problem. At a certain point, kids need to learn that their education belongs to them.

Step in too quickly

One of the hardest parts of parenting is watching your child struggle. Our first reaction is often to jump in and fix whatever’s wrong. Sometimes this instinct is right; other times it backfires. When we rescue kids from every difficulty, we deny them the opportunity to solve a problem themselves. We can’t get upset with kids who don’t learn how to be self-reliant if we’ve set it up so that they don’t have to be.

Sometimes the mistakes we make as parents don’t come from a lack of caring, but caring too much. Deciding to dial back our help is hard. Our children need it and we want to give it. Ultimately, resolving to dole out our assistance more thoughtfully will help us both.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/