"Hands on" versus "hands off"

Have you ever had your parents question how you handle your own kids? I often think about how parenting styles have evolved, specifically the differences between how the previous generation parented versus how current moms and dads view the job. In a very general sense, it seems there are two distinct approaches – the “hands on” philosophy we see today and the “hands off” method of our own parents. Here are three areas I think illustrate that point and some thoughts on where we’ve either progressed or regressed.

Communication

Say you have a child that is acting out - misbehaving some way verbally or physically. My parents had mastered “the look” to deal with this situation. A nonverbal glare so effective I reconsidered my behavior immediately.  No words were necessary to convey their disapproval.  In fact, no words were expected from me either. My parents weren’t interested in a discussion or a debate. I think “the look” worked because there was an element of fear behind it.

In contrast, parents now will usually give their child a voice in the same situation. Although bad behavior is still not tolerated, parents are interested in the “why” behind it. Children today expect their opinion to matter, and I think this is a good thing. While the outcome may be the same for them as it was for us, at least kids now can feel like they’ve been heard. And hopefully learn that listening to others is important in a conflict.

Investment

Parents have always been proud of their children’s accomplishments but their level of investment in their child’s identities seems greater now. Maybe it’s a function of how much time parents personally have to devote to the endeavors of their children. With the degree of commitment so many kids’ activities require, parents blur the line between what “belongs” to their child instead of them.

On the plus side of being “hands on,” dads are much more involved in a positive way with their children’s activities  than in previous generations. The old image of a removed father figure has been replaced by a much more engaged parent now.

Problem-solving

Do kids take “ownership” of their own problems today? Or do modern parents step in too quickly to resolve their issues for them? You’ve probably heard of the term “helicopter parenting” to refer to parents who “hover” around children and are involved in every decision of their life. Another recent term is “lawn mower parents” who try to “mow” down any obstacles that obstruct a child’s path to success, even after a “child” is an adult out of college. It’s hard to think of any similar terms that would have been used to describe our own parents.

Each generation reacts to how it was parented and makes adjustments they think are an improvement when raising their own children. What will our kids value in reaction to how we’ve parented them?

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Are you listening Hallmark?

In case you haven’t heard, Hallmark has rolled out a new popular line of greeting cards to send to people who have lost their job or otherwise been negatively impacted by our current economy. These “sorry for your loss” cards made me think of all the possible cards that could be sent to parents for the various disappointments and pitfalls we experience raising children. Here are a few I’ve come up with. (Imagine each sentiment on a card with a pastel background or soothing nature scene.)

Sorry potty training is going so badly.

Musical potties, foam “peeing targets,” the classic candy bribe . . . when all these attempts to “encourage” a child to relinquish the Pull Up fail, a sympathy card to the exhausted parent is definitely in order.

Sorry to hear your child has a resistant strain of lice.

Few phrases are more revolting in the parental vernacular than “your child has lice.” This card could come with “we may have infected you” post cards to send as well. Also, a coupon for Nix.

Sorry for the loss of your pre-baby body.

Because it’s not coming back. Something that’s been stretched and contorted that much during pregnancy can only be expected to recover so much. Grieve and move on.

Sorry the bully everyone fears is actually your child.

Sure everyone feels bad for the kid who is bullied, but what about the parent of the bully? Talk about dying a social death.

Sorry your kid repeated that disparaging remark you made about your mother-in-law. To her.

This is a buy one, get one free card.  An apology card is included to send to the offended party.

Sorry to hear your kid isn’t any better at math than you were as a child.

Nature? Nurture? Who knows why the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree with our less desirable traits. Variations on this theme could include “sports,” “social skills,” etc.

Sorry to hear your teenager can’t wait to get tattooed and multiple body piercings when he/she is eighteen and an “adult.”

One card can’t really express enough sympathy here. Better to include a hand-written note as well. 

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

"Hibernating" a mother bear instinct

I never truly appreciated the magnitude of the “mothering instinct” until I had some “young” to protect myself. Like many mothers, as soon as I learned I was pregnant, that drive kicked in with a passion. Eating more nutritiously, taking prenatal vitamins, reading “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” – it’s all done in an effort to provide the best possible start for our baby. And when that little helpless life is actually placed in your arms, whoa! Those feelings of protectiveness get ratcheted up even higher. You understand that mama (or papa) bear feeling of keeping your cubs safe at any cost. It’s not intellectual, it’s primal.

As babies get mobile, the job of protecting them is a little trickier. I personally turned our home into a padded, cushioned, gated community when my twins were toddlers. Foam covered any hard edge. Latches kept cabinets tightly shut. Toys were routinely inspected and sterilized. Doorknob covers made it virtually impossible for any adult to open a door. Even the toilet had a lock on it. I had created the safest environment I possibly could. (But still intellectually and physically stimulating because you know I read “What to Expect, the Toddler Years.”) The underlying goal – no harm will come to these children on my watch.

The only trouble is, the world keeps steadily creeping into my soft little biome and the “pain” I so desperately want to protect my children from now comes in so many ambiguous forms. Hurtful words from a friend. Feeling isolated from a group. Realizing one’s own shortcomings. My heart tells me to jump in and correct these blows and make everything right again. My head tells me that rushing in and rescuing my kids from life’s disappointments ultimately makes them more vulnerable. If I want them to become more resilient, learn to persevere, develop humility, etc. then I have to give them the opportunity to develop these traits on their own.

So, I’m trying to let that mother bear instinct in me hibernate a little more.  It’s hard but the cubs need me to do it. Hopefully they know the den will always be here.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/