Are you listening Hallmark?

In case you haven’t heard, Hallmark has rolled out a new popular line of greeting cards to send to people who have lost their job or otherwise been negatively impacted by our current economy. These “sorry for your loss” cards made me think of all the possible cards that could be sent to parents for the various disappointments and pitfalls we experience raising children. Here are a few I’ve come up with. (Imagine each sentiment on a card with a pastel background or soothing nature scene.)

Sorry potty training is going so badly.

Musical potties, foam “peeing targets,” the classic candy bribe . . . when all these attempts to “encourage” a child to relinquish the Pull Up fail, a sympathy card to the exhausted parent is definitely in order.

Sorry to hear your child has a resistant strain of lice.

Few phrases are more revolting in the parental vernacular than “your child has lice.” This card could come with “we may have infected you” post cards to send as well. Also, a coupon for Nix.

Sorry for the loss of your pre-baby body.

Because it’s not coming back. Something that’s been stretched and contorted that much during pregnancy can only be expected to recover so much. Grieve and move on.

Sorry the bully everyone fears is actually your child.

Sure everyone feels bad for the kid who is bullied, but what about the parent of the bully? Talk about dying a social death.

Sorry your kid repeated that disparaging remark you made about your mother-in-law. To her.

This is a buy one, get one free card.  An apology card is included to send to the offended party.

Sorry to hear your kid isn’t any better at math than you were as a child.

Nature? Nurture? Who knows why the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree with our less desirable traits. Variations on this theme could include “sports,” “social skills,” etc.

Sorry to hear your teenager can’t wait to get tattooed and multiple body piercings when he/she is eighteen and an “adult.”

One card can’t really express enough sympathy here. Better to include a hand-written note as well. 

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/