"Hands on" versus "hands off"

Have you ever had your parents question how you handle your own kids? I often think about how parenting styles have evolved, specifically the differences between how the previous generation parented versus how current moms and dads view the job. In a very general sense, it seems there are two distinct approaches – the “hands on” philosophy we see today and the “hands off” method of our own parents. Here are three areas I think illustrate that point and some thoughts on where we’ve either progressed or regressed.

Communication

Say you have a child that is acting out - misbehaving some way verbally or physically. My parents had mastered “the look” to deal with this situation. A nonverbal glare so effective I reconsidered my behavior immediately.  No words were necessary to convey their disapproval.  In fact, no words were expected from me either. My parents weren’t interested in a discussion or a debate. I think “the look” worked because there was an element of fear behind it.

In contrast, parents now will usually give their child a voice in the same situation. Although bad behavior is still not tolerated, parents are interested in the “why” behind it. Children today expect their opinion to matter, and I think this is a good thing. While the outcome may be the same for them as it was for us, at least kids now can feel like they’ve been heard. And hopefully learn that listening to others is important in a conflict.

Investment

Parents have always been proud of their children’s accomplishments but their level of investment in their child’s identities seems greater now. Maybe it’s a function of how much time parents personally have to devote to the endeavors of their children. With the degree of commitment so many kids’ activities require, parents blur the line between what “belongs” to their child instead of them.

On the plus side of being “hands on,” dads are much more involved in a positive way with their children’s activities  than in previous generations. The old image of a removed father figure has been replaced by a much more engaged parent now.

Problem-solving

Do kids take “ownership” of their own problems today? Or do modern parents step in too quickly to resolve their issues for them? You’ve probably heard of the term “helicopter parenting” to refer to parents who “hover” around children and are involved in every decision of their life. Another recent term is “lawn mower parents” who try to “mow” down any obstacles that obstruct a child’s path to success, even after a “child” is an adult out of college. It’s hard to think of any similar terms that would have been used to describe our own parents.

Each generation reacts to how it was parented and makes adjustments they think are an improvement when raising their own children. What will our kids value in reaction to how we’ve parented them?

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/