"A" for effort?

While watching a reality show recently I saw a young woman vying to win some sort of competition. After her performance, she stated that she had “done her best” and was anxious to hear the host’s positive reaction. The host said that unfortunately her “best” just wasn’t good enough to win. The woman was shocked; utterly dumbfounded. It was apparent she assumed that her personal best effort, regardless of any type of standard, should result in her winning the prize.

Why did she think her “personal best” was the yardstick to measure real skill? Is this a new phenomenon? Have we become so concerned with nurturing self- esteem in our culture young people assume that merely trying hard is enough to warrant a reward? Are they amenable to any criticism?  I think of it as the “American Idol syndrome” - the awful singers who just know they are destined to become “the next American Idol.” They’re angry and appalled that their “talent” isn’t being recognized. People with good intentions probably told them to pursue their “passion” for singing, despite an obvious lack of ability. Somewhere along the way they believed that trying to be good at something is the same thing as actually being good at it.

I’m all for praising effort. Especially in young children it’s important to encourage genuine effort. Trying counts for a lot when you’re young. It counts for a lot when you’re old, too. But in the course of growing up, kids need to accept that they will be good at some things and not good at others. It doesn’t have to be devastating news.

I wonder if this inflated sense of self is related to our current need to “celebrate” every minor accomplishment our kids have. Congratulations – you’ve “graduated” from preschool! You didn’t win the championship but here’s a trophy anyway for participating! Merely showing up seems to be an achievement in and of itself.

Knowing you did your “personal best” in a given situation can be rewarding and/or consoling. Unfortunately, our personal best doesn’t mean a whole lot when we interview for a job, apply to grad school or compete in some other way with a pool of candidates who may have better skills. In real life, the most qualified person usually wins out – regardless of how hard anyone else might have tried. We do a disservice to our kids if we let them grow up thinking otherwise. Encouraging them with false praise only sets them up for a bigger tumble later. As parents, our job is to help our children find their strengths and accept their weaknesses. Anything else is not our “best effort.”

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

When it's tough to be thankful

With Thanksgiving approaching, our thoughts turn to what we are thankful for. If you have children, feeling grateful for the many joys they bring is easy this time of year. The trick is to be thankful for the challenges parenting provides as well. Here are some “opportunities” for gratitude you may not have thought of.

Kids’ “obliviousness”

You have to appreciate the fashion sense of little boys who routinely wear their clothes inside out, backward, torn or stained and couldn’t care less. We’d like them to look more presentable (at least in public) but thank goodness there is someone in our culture who isn’t concerned about “image.”  They’ll become label conscious soon enough. Consider this time when kids don’t care that their shoes are on the wrong feet golden.

Sibling rivalry

Fighting, from minor button-pushing to full out hand to hand combat, drives parents nuts. From our perspective (and Rodney King’s) we say, “Can’t we all just get along?” For kids however, they are learning the dynamics of conflict.  Can I stand up for myself? Can I articulate how I feel? Can I reel in my anger? Sibling arguments provide the first opportunity to learn how to fight fair, say you’re sorry and hopefully grow closer. Friendships can be fickle at this age. Blow it with a friend and they may leave. With sibilings, there are lots of chances for “do overs.” Hearing your kids finally work through a conflict peacefully on their own feels like a major parental accomplishment – because it is.

Personality differences

If you have a child with a personality very different from your own, understanding or connecting with them can be difficult. Their interests, abilities or even approach to life can make it seem like they were switched at birth and really belong to another family.  But when you do come to appreciate your child for exactly who they are, you open the door to feeling empathetic to a larger part of the world. Accepting differences in others is easier when you see those characteristics in your own child.

An “empty nest”

Congratulations! You have just successfully completed the monumental task of raising a child to adulthood! Wasn’t that the goal all along? You’ve invested a lot in your son or daughter and, of course, you will miss them when they’re gone. Now you can give up the day to day operations of child rearing and watch them thrive on their own. Enjoy it. Focus on yourself guilt-free. (And don’t lay a guilt trip on them for growing up.)

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Getting inked Barbie-style

Ever wondered if you’re “too old” to get a tattoo? Well, Barbie just got one and she’s 52!

The latest incarnation of Barbie, manufactured by Mattel, is a “rock chick” with pink hair, leopard leggings and tattoos on her neck, chest and arm. The skin art has some parents in an uproar about what kind of message a tattooed Barbie doll sends to young girls.

Controversy is familiar territory for Barbie though. Her unrealistic body proportions have drawn criticism for years. If she was a real person, she would be 5’ 9” tall, measure 36-18-33 and weigh 110 pounds. Her body mass index would make her anorexic. She might even topple over from her disproportionally endowed chest. Despite these physical challenges, she has managed to become an ambassador for world peace, paleontologist, plastic surgeon, air force jet pilot and astronaut. Not bad for someone who once uttered, “Math class is tough!”

Now she just wants to be a “funky fashionista” according to Mattel. And tattoos are part of that look. She’s already been a cheerleader, cowgirl, model and princess. Is this latest version really so much of a departure from what we expect from Barbie?

I think there are several questions here. First, what do we think tattoos say about a person? Not that long ago, getting a tattoo was pretty risqué - a counter-culture statement suggesting a rougher element. A person with a tattoo, especially a woman, was categorized in a certain (negative) way. Now, tattoos are much more mainstream. Moms have butterfly tattoos on their ankles or their children’s names on their arms. I once saw a woman with a rather large Tweety Bird on her calf – not very menacing. Is a Barbie with body ink suggesting or endorsing anything to children that they don’t already see in everyday life? Or is it the fact that a tattooed Barbie is a toy marketed to children that gets under our skin (no pun intended.)

Second, how seriously do we consider the effect of any version of a Barbie doll on our girls? Do her positive traits, like being an astronaut, really make girls feel like they, too can become an astronaut? Or are her negative traits too overwhelming, like her idealized body proportions telling girls their own bodies don’t measure up? Whose message carries more weight about image and accomplishment – parents or society?

Finally, if Ken had tattoos, would anyone care?

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/