"A" for effort?

While watching a reality show recently I saw a young woman vying to win some sort of competition. After her performance, she stated that she had “done her best” and was anxious to hear the host’s positive reaction. The host said that unfortunately her “best” just wasn’t good enough to win. The woman was shocked; utterly dumbfounded. It was apparent she assumed that her personal best effort, regardless of any type of standard, should result in her winning the prize.

Why did she think her “personal best” was the yardstick to measure real skill? Is this a new phenomenon? Have we become so concerned with nurturing self- esteem in our culture young people assume that merely trying hard is enough to warrant a reward? Are they amenable to any criticism?  I think of it as the “American Idol syndrome” - the awful singers who just know they are destined to become “the next American Idol.” They’re angry and appalled that their “talent” isn’t being recognized. People with good intentions probably told them to pursue their “passion” for singing, despite an obvious lack of ability. Somewhere along the way they believed that trying to be good at something is the same thing as actually being good at it.

I’m all for praising effort. Especially in young children it’s important to encourage genuine effort. Trying counts for a lot when you’re young. It counts for a lot when you’re old, too. But in the course of growing up, kids need to accept that they will be good at some things and not good at others. It doesn’t have to be devastating news.

I wonder if this inflated sense of self is related to our current need to “celebrate” every minor accomplishment our kids have. Congratulations – you’ve “graduated” from preschool! You didn’t win the championship but here’s a trophy anyway for participating! Merely showing up seems to be an achievement in and of itself.

Knowing you did your “personal best” in a given situation can be rewarding and/or consoling. Unfortunately, our personal best doesn’t mean a whole lot when we interview for a job, apply to grad school or compete in some other way with a pool of candidates who may have better skills. In real life, the most qualified person usually wins out – regardless of how hard anyone else might have tried. We do a disservice to our kids if we let them grow up thinking otherwise. Encouraging them with false praise only sets them up for a bigger tumble later. As parents, our job is to help our children find their strengths and accept their weaknesses. Anything else is not our “best effort.”

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/