"Un-resolutions" for parents

A new year and the pressure to improve ourselves with various resolutions begins. We start with the best intentions January 1^st, but soon enough old habits creep back in and our motivation fizzles.

What if not having a goal was our goal? I think a better strategy for success would be a list of “un-resolutions” – what we shouldn’t do instead of what we should do. As parents, our “to do” list seems never-ending. Maybe taking a few things off our plate, and depositing them on our kids’, would help us both.

Here’s a list of things we could resolve not to do anymore for our children. Let yourself off the hook and try a few.

This year I resolve not to: 

Find or replace all their lost stuff

Some lessons are learned the hard way. Whether it’s a favorite shirt, a Nintendo or a wallet, losing something important is difficult. The plus side is that once you’ve been careless with something valuable, hopefully you become more responsible with your possessions in the future. That is, unless mom or dad replaces that treasured item before the message gets a chance to sink in.

Pay my kid for doing nothing

Giving kids money for doing chores – yes. Giving them money for simply existing – no. In the real world, you get paid when you work. Not when you eat Cheetos on the couch and play Wii. Having an allowance is great for learning money management, but part of that lesson is understanding how you earn money in the first place. 

Take ownership of their school work

Who wants to do sixth grade math again? Once is enough for me. It is my child’s responsibility to learn it now. I can help, but if I’m more concerned about an upcoming test than they are, that’s a problem. At a certain point, kids need to learn that their education belongs to them.

Step in too quickly

One of the hardest parts of parenting is watching your child struggle. Our first reaction is often to jump in and fix whatever’s wrong. Sometimes this instinct is right; other times it backfires. When we rescue kids from every difficulty, we deny them the opportunity to solve a problem themselves. We can’t get upset with kids who don’t learn how to be self-reliant if we’ve set it up so that they don’t have to be.

Sometimes the mistakes we make as parents don’t come from a lack of caring, but caring too much. Deciding to dial back our help is hard. Our children need it and we want to give it. Ultimately, resolving to dole out our assistance more thoughtfully will help us both.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/