Are we really open to "the village" raising our children?

Here’s a scenario many of us have encountered as parents. Your child invites a new friend over to your house to play. Fifteen minutes into the play date, you are checking the clock to see how much longer you must endure the antics of this particular visitor. You’re cringing at their foul language, disrespect for your home or the way they are treating you and your child.  As the clock slowly ticks, you are already planning the post play date debriefing that will take place explaining to your child the many reasons why the friend’s behavior was unacceptable.

Do you grit your teeth and suffer through the experience without comment to the little offender or discipline the child and let his parent know of his behavior when the play date is thankfully over?

The clear choice for my parent’s generation was option two. If I misbehaved at a neighbor’s house I could a) count on being called out on it and b) be certain if the deed was bad enough my parents would be informed. Just knowing other grown- ups were in cahoots with my parents was enough to rethink the misdeed in the first place. It seemed that all parents, all adults even, had a common understanding that they had authority over me. And I accepted it.

Now if I consider disciplining someone else’s child, even in my own home, the child might look at me like I’m crazy. I also run the risk of their parent seeing my comments as a reflection of their child rearing ability rather than a reflection of the child himself. My intentions may be good- to steer a child in the right direction- but I’m not sure if it’s “my place” to speak up.

What is the role of adults in current society regarding the discipline of other people’s children? Do we have an obligation to collectively guide them? Under what circumstances? If a child is doing something dangerous, most of us would intervene. But what about when we witness other things like destruction of property – from your own child’s toys to public graffiti?  Do lesser transgressions like back talking or general disrespect warrant our intervention? When the child is related to us, for example a niece or nephew, are we more or less likely to say something?

Everyone likes the idea of “it takes a village to raise a child” until we’re put in the uncomfortable position of offending fellow villagers. If we do have a responsibility to keep a collective eye on our kids, will we let each other? Or if we say that it’s not our role to voice concern about other people’s children, what is the repercussion? Am I absolved of responsibility if I’m aware of a child’s risky behavior or bad decision but don’t act on that knowledge because it is not “my place” to get involved in territory meant for parents?

This is one of the many gray areas of parenting that gives me gray hairs. I don’t know the answer to this dilemma but I’d like to think, regarding my own kids, that I could rely on other parents to have my back - and that I would be open enough to hear what they might say.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/