Pride and Joy

With high school and college graduations approaching, parents are filled with pride for their children who have reached this important milestone. While the ceremony marks a significant academic achievement, it’s also a time for parents to reflect on the personal qualities of their child that make them proud. For those of us with kids who won’t be wearing caps and gowns for many years yet, we have to recognize their accomplishments on a smaller scale – the day to day moments that foretell what kind of person they are becoming. Although hearing your child utter an unprompted “please,” “thank you” or “you’re welcome” is always nice, here are some other ways they make us proud.

Siblings who get along

It’s a beautiful thing when you witness your children actually enjoying each other’s company – seeking one another out for games or as older kids, even conversations. Unfortunately, the nature of sibling dynamics means their relationship can fluctuate from “never leave my side” to “your mere presence irritates me” even hours apart. At the end of the day however, if your kids generally like one another and get along, pat yourself on the back. If you have children who will defend each other against other kids, you really have something to be proud of.

A kid who doesn’t buy into their own hype

Recently my son drew one of his many pictures. After I gushed over what a good job I thought he did, he said, “Thanks but it’s just alright – not that great.” I realized then I was more proud of his statement than his picture. He didn’t need me to promote his self-esteem (which seems an ongoing, unconscious effort of parents now). He just looked at his own work, saw its flaws and without feeling down about it or himself, drew another picture. My endorsement wasn’t what he was seeking anymore – it was his own.

A child who is kind when no one’s watching

In parenting, this is like winning the “Grand Ultimate Supreme” -  to borrow a phrase from the child beauty pageant world. A compassionate child, who acts from the goodness of their heart, without hope of recognition or reward, is a gift to the world. If this is your child, how lucky you are.

Why wait for a ceremony to announce that it’s time to be proud of your kids? “I’m proud of you” is right up there with “I love you” – don’t be stingy with it. Take pride in yourself as a parent, too. The wonderful qualities your children possess have been born at home and nurtured by you.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Appreciating the "classics" of parental wisdom

As I go through the daily job of parenting, often various nuggets of “wisdom” from my own parents pop in my head (and roll off my tongue much to my dismay.) Many of these phrases fall into the category of misguided advice or empty threats that, although well-intentioned, lack something in the veracity department. Maybe you recognize some of the following.

There are starving children in China who would love to eat that.

I doubt any kid on the planet would want to eat my mother’s “creamed chipped beef on toast” – a regrettable combination of packaged meat topped with a “cream” resembling wall paper paste which saturated a perfectly good piece of toast. Why a kid from China, in particular, should be subjected to this I don’t know.

Don’t make that face or it will freeze that way.

It’s funny this phrase had any credence at all as many kids purposely made awful faces just to see if it would stick. The related “don’t cross your eyes or they’ll stay that way” was another adage that was more challenge than threat.

Never wear holey underwear – what if you’re in a car wreck and they have to cut your clothes off?

Are paramedics allowed to refuse treatment to patients with questionable undergarments? If I’m in a car wreck serious enough to require the removal of my clothes I’ve got bigger concerns than dying of embarrassment.

Eat your carrots. They’re good for your eyes.

Actually all vegetables are good for your eyes in the sense that eating healthy is a smart idea for every part of your body.  At the time this phrase was coined, moms must have found carrots to be a particularly hard sell to kids.

Of course, some advice does stand the test of time.

If so- and- so jumped off a bridge, would you?

This is a perennial favorite because parents understand there is no other answer than “no” to this classic peer pressure question. It’s one of the few phrases in our arsenal for which kids have no reasonable comeback.

Go play outside.

This one has particular weight today as many kids’ relationship to their iPads far surpasses any connection to the great outdoors. As evidence, a childhood condition called “nature deficit disorder” actually exists now. Seriously, I couldn’t make that one up.

Always do your best.

Not the easiest advice to follow – at any age. If there was one phrase to live by though, this one’s a keeper.  

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Independence Day

Recently my two children were allowed to ride their bikes (without me) to a local coffee shop to buy themselves a couple of donuts on a Sunday morning. No big deal, right? Wrong. The invasion of Normandy required less advance planning. Helmets securely fastened? Check. Mental map of the intended path with areas of potential hazard discussed? Check. Strict instructions to stay together? Check. Cell phone to call me when they arrived safely? Check. Me waiting anxiously for the phone to ring? Check.

The trip was a success and the kids were thrilled to have had this small freedom and sense of independence. I was happy to give it to them. I remember loving this feeling as a kid. These breaks from parental supervision weren’t just fun, but important. Right or wrong, my parents allowed a much wider circle of freedom for me. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to give my own kids such a long tether - partly because what was typical parenting back then would almost be considered negligent now. My peers and I were often left to our own devices where it was assumed we would appear at the end of the day relatively unscathed. The merits of this approach can be debated, but there is a case for letting kids have a world outside their parents’ constant gaze, where every movement and decision is monitored.

And yet, danger does lurk and children are vulnerable. So we worry - as parents have always done. Did I mention that the bike trip took only about thirty minutes and was almost exclusively on sidewalks? But my fear is real – something might happen to them. Although something will definitely happen to my children if I don’t let them develop self-confidence by letting them be independent.

Kids think they can handle new situations when they sense that we believe they can. If we give them the message that they can’t rely on themselves, we succeed in making them anxious, fearful and insecure - attributes the world will definitely take advantage of.

Our challenge is temper our need to keep them safe with their need to take risks. I suspect this is one of the many push/pull areas we will have in our relationship with growing children. Making the job harder is the fact that each new freedom must be considered on a case by case basis. We have to continually feel our way in the dark and hope the risks we allow are the right ones. 

If you know how to do this, please tell me. Today it was donuts, who knows what path is in store for us tomorrow. 

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

An attempt at sparkling dinner conversation

We all know by now that as parents we should be having regular family dinners together. Research shows that families who routinely convene for meals have children who get better grades, are less depressed, don’t do drugs, etc. If these results could be achieved by simply placing a healthy meal in front of our kids, that would be great. The magic happens, however, because of the conversation and connection we are developing with them at these regular intervals. Unfortunately, I fear my children are in grave danger of becoming social misfits because our dinner table conversation quickly deteriorates into bodily function jokes on a nightly basis.

So in an effort to elevate the level of discourse between the members of my own family, and possibly yours too, I researched various kid-friendly conversation starters to try during dinnertime. Hopefully these suggestions can get you beyond the standard “how was your day” and “what did you learn at school today” which always seem to elicit “fine” and “nothing” in my house.

The list of questions below is separated by age group, but almost any question could be asked of any child. When you run out, your kids may have some interesting questions for you.

For little ones

How would the world be different if animals could talk?

What would you do if you could be invisible for a day?

If you could tell me to never serve two foods again, what would they be?

What weird or unusual pet would you like to have if you could pick anything?

If you could choose a new name for yourself, what would you choose?

For tweens

Which of your friends do you think I like the most? Why?

If you could change one rule our family has, what would it be?

What is the hardest thing about being your age?

Have you ever had a dream that really scared you?

What’s the best gift you’ve ever received?

For teenagers

At what age should a person be considered an adult?

If you could grow up to be famous, what would you want to be famous for?

What does the word “success” mean to you?

What is the nicest thing a friend has ever done for you?

Tell me three things you remember about kindergarten.

If you could travel back in time three years and visit your younger self, what advice would you give yourself?

(Sources: www.minds-in-bloom.com, www.familyeducation.com, www.scholastic.com)

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

In praise of quiet kids

Which type of child is “easier” to parent? The gregarious kid who loves new situations and talks to anyone easily? Or the quiet child who prefers to watch from the sidelines before trying new activities or speaking up? In our culture, being an extrovert is highly valued. Outgoing, talkative kids are seen as more socially confident, popular and successful. Introverted children are often encouraged to be “coaxed out of their shell” and be more like their extroverted peers. 

For those children who are naturally extroverted, they have a great set of skills to draw from to find their way in the world. Introverts do too, just with a different repertoire of abilities. Unfortunately however, being quiet is generally underrated in our society, especially in children I think.

First, it’s important to make the distinction between being shy and being introverted. Shyness involves avoiding people or social situations because one feels anxious or nervous. Introversion essentially means someone is more energized by being alone than in groups. Introverts can have excellent social skills and develop great relationships; they just don’t need a crowd to do it.

Here’s what multiple sources of research have determined about introverted children:

-They tend to listen more than they talk. When they do talk, they say what they mean. When they really care about something, they talk a lot.

-They don’t brag about their achievements because they don’t like being the center of attention, even when it’s positive.

-They are very aware of their surroundings, noticing details others don’t. They concentrate deeply on subjects they find interesting.

-They want to know what things mean, what makes people tick and can reflect on their own behavior.

-They are less vulnerable to peer pressure because they use their own thoughts and feelings as a guide about what to do.

Well-known introverts include Steven Spielberg, J.K. Rowling, Steve Wozniak and the co-founder of Google, Larry Page. If that crowd is not impressive enough, Albert Einstein, Charles Darwin, Sir Isaac Newton and Ghandi were also all considered introverts.

Wherever a child lands on the introvert/extrovert spectrum, they need to know their personality doesn’t need to be altered to be considered “right.” In our hyper-connected society where the more  Facebook friends and Linked In connections one has the better, and being in the spotlight is so often intensely pursued, our quiet kids can remind us that turning our attention inward can be pretty worthwhile, too. 

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Does this column make me look fat?

Sometimes I want to give every young girl I see a big hug and reassure her that she looks absolutely fine just the way she is. It’s not easy being a girl now. It probably never was, but the pressure to be thin and achieve some idealized standard of beauty weighs heavier on girls now than ever before. From all angles, girls get the message that their perfectly healthy, strong, normally developing bodies aren’t good enough.

According to the National Institute on Media and the Family, a survey of 9 and 10 year old girls indicated that 40% have already tried to lose weight. By age 13, 53% of American girls are unhappy with their bodies. By age 17, this rate jumps to 78%. 

Who’s to blame?

The media

Is it possible to get through the checkout aisle at the grocery store without nearly every magazine telling you how to lose weight, look sexier and get a hot guy? Are television shows and commercials any better? At a time when the self-esteem of young girls is most vulnerable, our culture encourages them only to see their “imperfections.” 

Peers

Accepting yourself is tough when no one else seems to be doing it. Recent research on how peers influence body image discovered that conversations among high school girls focused on appearance, dieting and weight-monitoring as a part of every day (source: Sage Journals, Feminism & Psychology.) Girls are harsh critics, with each other and themselves.

Mothers

Although the media and peers have a significant influence on how girls view their body, their own mothers play a huge role as well. In the article Helping Girls With Body Image researchers on the subject note “Girls take to heart what their mothers say about bodies: their own, their daughters, those of strangers and celebrities. They notice when their mothers exercise obsessively, diet constantly, or make derogatory comments about their own appearance. That should come as no surprise, as mothers are a girl’s first and, often, most influential role model.”

What do we do with all this information? It’s unrealistic to think we can shield our daughters from every negative influence regarding their body image. As with most parenting issues however, the messages we send our kids consistently are the ones they will absorb the most. Girls need to know that their body is beautiful even if it doesn’t fit into their skinny jeans.   

Of course, they’ll only believe this if we do.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

The new rules of competition

Competition begins early in life – and rightly so. There are many great lessons kids can learn from competing with their peers. They see that hard work and practice can lead to success. Fellow competitors can be respected and admired for their skill. Teammates feel the camaraderie of working towards a common goal. Finally, kids have an opportunity to learn humility by taking losses in stride and being a gracious loser.

Too bad the adults that kids see paraded on television every night on reality competition shows rarely display any of these admirable qualities. The endless list of programs like The Apprentice, American Idol, Survivor, Dance Moms and even Chopped and Cupcake Wars give credence to the worst possible approaches to competition. Here’s what kids learn from the adults on these types of shows:

Blatantly promote yourself

The first step as a competitor on a reality show is to tell everyone how great you are. Skill and talent are not a prerequisite, but overconfidence is. The more entitled you feel you are to win, the better. The point here is to get attention and outrageous claims get you more air time.  Winning may actually be a secondary goal; the primary thrill just having the spotlight focused on you. 

Trash talk your competition

The flip side of promoting yourself is, of course, to denigrate your competitors. Catty, immature remarks are expected here. Don’t worry about anything you say actually being true. Or hurting anyone’s feelings. If you happen to win, crank it up a notch. 

Throw your teammates under the bus

After you have developed relationships with people on your team, form “alliances” against them. Have fun voting them off and eliminating them. Do this secretly if you can. Or do this as a group so you can publicly humiliate your former “teammates.” 

Be a sore loser

Go for the “wow” factor here. Throw a huge fit with tantrums, tears - even physically destroy something if possible. Include one last tirade of how you were wronged by your competitors.  Don’t forget to include why you deserved to win.  

The only redeeming value I can see to kids watching reality competition shows is that it illustrates in full color, high definition what not to do. In this culture, I guess we’ll take our role models where we can.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/