What's good about bad role models

If your kids’ childhood is anything like my kids’, it’s pretty nice. Nice schools, nice neighbors, nice friends, nice family . . . their world has been carefully designed and monitored by me and my husband to be as good as possible (as it should be.) But now and again a rogue influence arrives in an unexpected package – a bad adult role model.

I’m not talking about something as horrible as a child abuser or predator here, just your garden variety bad example for being a grown-up. It can be quite a shock when your child has his or her first experience with one. After all, as good parents we try to manipulate our children’s world to include as many good role models as we can. The vast majority of adults my kids have come in contact with in our area (at school, in camps, in stores, pretty much everywhere) have been so consistently pleasant, friendly and helpful to children as to be an invisible (but expected) backdrop in their lives. Sure, kids deal with other kids who are not always nice, but when they unexpectedly experience an adult who is thoughtless, rude, selfish or mean, their universe gets a little rocked. 

Our first instinct is to remove this particular offender from our child’s life, which is often the best reaction. But with some issues, and when children reach a certain maturity level, the example a bad role model provides can be quite educational. How do people react to this person? How are they regarded? What effect might this have on their daily life? We can talk about these life lessons hypothetically until we’re blue in the face, but to see a living, breathing example of what not to do can be much more powerful.

Of course, we want to teach compassion and tolerance for difficult people. We can’t always know why anyone acts the way they do. The reality, however, is that not all adults turn out well. Those who routinely act poorly don’t deserve a free pass just because of their grown up status. If we make excuses for their bad behavior because it’s uncomfortable to address or easier to gloss over, we tell our kids that what we consider important now – kindness, fairness, patience, etc. - can be considered negotiable when they’re older.

Bus drivers, teachers, coaches, relatives -  lots of adults float in and out of our kids’ lives, and not all of them are great. But bad role models can serve a purpose, too. They’re part of the “real world” that we’re sending our kids into and they can provide valuable vicarious lessons if we let them. 

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

It could be worse

I have a dog that routinely embarrasses me. Although I know golden retrievers have a reputation for being friendly, this description does not begin to convey my dog’s affection for every human being on the planet. Upon meeting a girlfriend of mine, my unruly hound licked her face clean of all makeup in one split second assault. She almost broke my uncle’s nose when he bent to pet her and she exploded with 80 pounds of force straight into his face to “kiss” him. I have spent the last seven years apologizing for my dog’s exuberance. Two attempts at obedience school have not made a dent in this problem. I’ve since learned that my canine suffers from “excessive greeting disorder.” (There is an actual support group for this.) I can make her sit. I can make her stay. I cannot curb her all-consuming need to smother the world with her brand of love.

So, I look at this way. There are worse problems than having the world’s friendliest dog. Aside from her overactive enthusiasm, she is also sweet, gentle and doesn’t have a mean bone in her body. She is a giant furry pillow the kids can do anything to without complaint. She’s my shadow, silently following me room to room just to be near me. This dog approaches every man, woman and child with the expectation that they will be her next best friend. You have to admire that kind of optimism and faith in humankind.

Seeing her from this perspective helps temper her overbearing moments. It strikes me that successful parenting is also largely a matter of adjusting one’s perspective. Have a toddler that refuses to be potty-trained? Think “independent free thinker.” Awkward child who prefers his or her own company to the masses? Try “introspective non-conformist.” Kid who won’t stop talking and drives you crazy with incessant questions? “Inquisitive people-person.” Video game junkie with no ambition to leave the couch? Well…let me think about that one.

I can work on improving my child’s (or my dog’s) behavior, but if a trait is hard-wired, I’m better off to see the potential positive side of it. I only frustrate myself (and them) trying to wish it away. One of my favorite quotes comes from my kids’ preschool days. “You get what you get and you don’t get upset.” Looking at the bright side of a situation really does improve your ability to deal with it.

I try to keep this philosophy in mind as I see another unwitting victim approach our yard to pet the big yellow dog with the goofy smile and the tail wagging 90 miles an hour. Yes, she’s “enthusiastic” – and I wouldn’t have her any other way.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Pride and Joy

With high school and college graduations approaching, parents are filled with pride for their children who have reached this important milestone. While the ceremony marks a significant academic achievement, it’s also a time for parents to reflect on the personal qualities of their child that make them proud. For those of us with kids who won’t be wearing caps and gowns for many years yet, we have to recognize their accomplishments on a smaller scale – the day to day moments that foretell what kind of person they are becoming. Although hearing your child utter an unprompted “please,” “thank you” or “you’re welcome” is always nice, here are some other ways they make us proud.

Siblings who get along

It’s a beautiful thing when you witness your children actually enjoying each other’s company – seeking one another out for games or as older kids, even conversations. Unfortunately, the nature of sibling dynamics means their relationship can fluctuate from “never leave my side” to “your mere presence irritates me” even hours apart. At the end of the day however, if your kids generally like one another and get along, pat yourself on the back. If you have children who will defend each other against other kids, you really have something to be proud of.

A kid who doesn’t buy into their own hype

Recently my son drew one of his many pictures. After I gushed over what a good job I thought he did, he said, “Thanks but it’s just alright – not that great.” I realized then I was more proud of his statement than his picture. He didn’t need me to promote his self-esteem (which seems an ongoing, unconscious effort of parents now). He just looked at his own work, saw its flaws and without feeling down about it or himself, drew another picture. My endorsement wasn’t what he was seeking anymore – it was his own.

A child who is kind when no one’s watching

In parenting, this is like winning the “Grand Ultimate Supreme” -  to borrow a phrase from the child beauty pageant world. A compassionate child, who acts from the goodness of their heart, without hope of recognition or reward, is a gift to the world. If this is your child, how lucky you are.

Why wait for a ceremony to announce that it’s time to be proud of your kids? “I’m proud of you” is right up there with “I love you” – don’t be stingy with it. Take pride in yourself as a parent, too. The wonderful qualities your children possess have been born at home and nurtured by you.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Appreciating the "classics" of parental wisdom

As I go through the daily job of parenting, often various nuggets of “wisdom” from my own parents pop in my head (and roll off my tongue much to my dismay.) Many of these phrases fall into the category of misguided advice or empty threats that, although well-intentioned, lack something in the veracity department. Maybe you recognize some of the following.

There are starving children in China who would love to eat that.

I doubt any kid on the planet would want to eat my mother’s “creamed chipped beef on toast” – a regrettable combination of packaged meat topped with a “cream” resembling wall paper paste which saturated a perfectly good piece of toast. Why a kid from China, in particular, should be subjected to this I don’t know.

Don’t make that face or it will freeze that way.

It’s funny this phrase had any credence at all as many kids purposely made awful faces just to see if it would stick. The related “don’t cross your eyes or they’ll stay that way” was another adage that was more challenge than threat.

Never wear holey underwear – what if you’re in a car wreck and they have to cut your clothes off?

Are paramedics allowed to refuse treatment to patients with questionable undergarments? If I’m in a car wreck serious enough to require the removal of my clothes I’ve got bigger concerns than dying of embarrassment.

Eat your carrots. They’re good for your eyes.

Actually all vegetables are good for your eyes in the sense that eating healthy is a smart idea for every part of your body.  At the time this phrase was coined, moms must have found carrots to be a particularly hard sell to kids.

Of course, some advice does stand the test of time.

If so- and- so jumped off a bridge, would you?

This is a perennial favorite because parents understand there is no other answer than “no” to this classic peer pressure question. It’s one of the few phrases in our arsenal for which kids have no reasonable comeback.

Go play outside.

This one has particular weight today as many kids’ relationship to their iPads far surpasses any connection to the great outdoors. As evidence, a childhood condition called “nature deficit disorder” actually exists now. Seriously, I couldn’t make that one up.

Always do your best.

Not the easiest advice to follow – at any age. If there was one phrase to live by though, this one’s a keeper.  

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Independence Day

Recently my two children were allowed to ride their bikes (without me) to a local coffee shop to buy themselves a couple of donuts on a Sunday morning. No big deal, right? Wrong. The invasion of Normandy required less advance planning. Helmets securely fastened? Check. Mental map of the intended path with areas of potential hazard discussed? Check. Strict instructions to stay together? Check. Cell phone to call me when they arrived safely? Check. Me waiting anxiously for the phone to ring? Check.

The trip was a success and the kids were thrilled to have had this small freedom and sense of independence. I was happy to give it to them. I remember loving this feeling as a kid. These breaks from parental supervision weren’t just fun, but important. Right or wrong, my parents allowed a much wider circle of freedom for me. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to give my own kids such a long tether - partly because what was typical parenting back then would almost be considered negligent now. My peers and I were often left to our own devices where it was assumed we would appear at the end of the day relatively unscathed. The merits of this approach can be debated, but there is a case for letting kids have a world outside their parents’ constant gaze, where every movement and decision is monitored.

And yet, danger does lurk and children are vulnerable. So we worry - as parents have always done. Did I mention that the bike trip took only about thirty minutes and was almost exclusively on sidewalks? But my fear is real – something might happen to them. Although something will definitely happen to my children if I don’t let them develop self-confidence by letting them be independent.

Kids think they can handle new situations when they sense that we believe they can. If we give them the message that they can’t rely on themselves, we succeed in making them anxious, fearful and insecure - attributes the world will definitely take advantage of.

Our challenge is temper our need to keep them safe with their need to take risks. I suspect this is one of the many push/pull areas we will have in our relationship with growing children. Making the job harder is the fact that each new freedom must be considered on a case by case basis. We have to continually feel our way in the dark and hope the risks we allow are the right ones. 

If you know how to do this, please tell me. Today it was donuts, who knows what path is in store for us tomorrow. 

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

An attempt at sparkling dinner conversation

We all know by now that as parents we should be having regular family dinners together. Research shows that families who routinely convene for meals have children who get better grades, are less depressed, don’t do drugs, etc. If these results could be achieved by simply placing a healthy meal in front of our kids, that would be great. The magic happens, however, because of the conversation and connection we are developing with them at these regular intervals. Unfortunately, I fear my children are in grave danger of becoming social misfits because our dinner table conversation quickly deteriorates into bodily function jokes on a nightly basis.

So in an effort to elevate the level of discourse between the members of my own family, and possibly yours too, I researched various kid-friendly conversation starters to try during dinnertime. Hopefully these suggestions can get you beyond the standard “how was your day” and “what did you learn at school today” which always seem to elicit “fine” and “nothing” in my house.

The list of questions below is separated by age group, but almost any question could be asked of any child. When you run out, your kids may have some interesting questions for you.

For little ones

How would the world be different if animals could talk?

What would you do if you could be invisible for a day?

If you could tell me to never serve two foods again, what would they be?

What weird or unusual pet would you like to have if you could pick anything?

If you could choose a new name for yourself, what would you choose?

For tweens

Which of your friends do you think I like the most? Why?

If you could change one rule our family has, what would it be?

What is the hardest thing about being your age?

Have you ever had a dream that really scared you?

What’s the best gift you’ve ever received?

For teenagers

At what age should a person be considered an adult?

If you could grow up to be famous, what would you want to be famous for?

What does the word “success” mean to you?

What is the nicest thing a friend has ever done for you?

Tell me three things you remember about kindergarten.

If you could travel back in time three years and visit your younger self, what advice would you give yourself?

(Sources: www.minds-in-bloom.com, www.familyeducation.com, www.scholastic.com)

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

In praise of quiet kids

Which type of child is “easier” to parent? The gregarious kid who loves new situations and talks to anyone easily? Or the quiet child who prefers to watch from the sidelines before trying new activities or speaking up? In our culture, being an extrovert is highly valued. Outgoing, talkative kids are seen as more socially confident, popular and successful. Introverted children are often encouraged to be “coaxed out of their shell” and be more like their extroverted peers. 

For those children who are naturally extroverted, they have a great set of skills to draw from to find their way in the world. Introverts do too, just with a different repertoire of abilities. Unfortunately however, being quiet is generally underrated in our society, especially in children I think.

First, it’s important to make the distinction between being shy and being introverted. Shyness involves avoiding people or social situations because one feels anxious or nervous. Introversion essentially means someone is more energized by being alone than in groups. Introverts can have excellent social skills and develop great relationships; they just don’t need a crowd to do it.

Here’s what multiple sources of research have determined about introverted children:

-They tend to listen more than they talk. When they do talk, they say what they mean. When they really care about something, they talk a lot.

-They don’t brag about their achievements because they don’t like being the center of attention, even when it’s positive.

-They are very aware of their surroundings, noticing details others don’t. They concentrate deeply on subjects they find interesting.

-They want to know what things mean, what makes people tick and can reflect on their own behavior.

-They are less vulnerable to peer pressure because they use their own thoughts and feelings as a guide about what to do.

Well-known introverts include Steven Spielberg, J.K. Rowling, Steve Wozniak and the co-founder of Google, Larry Page. If that crowd is not impressive enough, Albert Einstein, Charles Darwin, Sir Isaac Newton and Ghandi were also all considered introverts.

Wherever a child lands on the introvert/extrovert spectrum, they need to know their personality doesn’t need to be altered to be considered “right.” In our hyper-connected society where the more  Facebook friends and Linked In connections one has the better, and being in the spotlight is so often intensely pursued, our quiet kids can remind us that turning our attention inward can be pretty worthwhile, too. 

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/