An attempt at sparkling dinner conversation

We all know by now that as parents we should be having regular family dinners together. Research shows that families who routinely convene for meals have children who get better grades, are less depressed, don’t do drugs, etc. If these results could be achieved by simply placing a healthy meal in front of our kids, that would be great. The magic happens, however, because of the conversation and connection we are developing with them at these regular intervals. Unfortunately, I fear my children are in grave danger of becoming social misfits because our dinner table conversation quickly deteriorates into bodily function jokes on a nightly basis.

So in an effort to elevate the level of discourse between the members of my own family, and possibly yours too, I researched various kid-friendly conversation starters to try during dinnertime. Hopefully these suggestions can get you beyond the standard “how was your day” and “what did you learn at school today” which always seem to elicit “fine” and “nothing” in my house.

The list of questions below is separated by age group, but almost any question could be asked of any child. When you run out, your kids may have some interesting questions for you.

For little ones

How would the world be different if animals could talk?

What would you do if you could be invisible for a day?

If you could tell me to never serve two foods again, what would they be?

What weird or unusual pet would you like to have if you could pick anything?

If you could choose a new name for yourself, what would you choose?

For tweens

Which of your friends do you think I like the most? Why?

If you could change one rule our family has, what would it be?

What is the hardest thing about being your age?

Have you ever had a dream that really scared you?

What’s the best gift you’ve ever received?

For teenagers

At what age should a person be considered an adult?

If you could grow up to be famous, what would you want to be famous for?

What does the word “success” mean to you?

What is the nicest thing a friend has ever done for you?

Tell me three things you remember about kindergarten.

If you could travel back in time three years and visit your younger self, what advice would you give yourself?

(Sources: www.minds-in-bloom.com, www.familyeducation.com, www.scholastic.com)

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

In praise of quiet kids

Which type of child is “easier” to parent? The gregarious kid who loves new situations and talks to anyone easily? Or the quiet child who prefers to watch from the sidelines before trying new activities or speaking up? In our culture, being an extrovert is highly valued. Outgoing, talkative kids are seen as more socially confident, popular and successful. Introverted children are often encouraged to be “coaxed out of their shell” and be more like their extroverted peers. 

For those children who are naturally extroverted, they have a great set of skills to draw from to find their way in the world. Introverts do too, just with a different repertoire of abilities. Unfortunately however, being quiet is generally underrated in our society, especially in children I think.

First, it’s important to make the distinction between being shy and being introverted. Shyness involves avoiding people or social situations because one feels anxious or nervous. Introversion essentially means someone is more energized by being alone than in groups. Introverts can have excellent social skills and develop great relationships; they just don’t need a crowd to do it.

Here’s what multiple sources of research have determined about introverted children:

-They tend to listen more than they talk. When they do talk, they say what they mean. When they really care about something, they talk a lot.

-They don’t brag about their achievements because they don’t like being the center of attention, even when it’s positive.

-They are very aware of their surroundings, noticing details others don’t. They concentrate deeply on subjects they find interesting.

-They want to know what things mean, what makes people tick and can reflect on their own behavior.

-They are less vulnerable to peer pressure because they use their own thoughts and feelings as a guide about what to do.

Well-known introverts include Steven Spielberg, J.K. Rowling, Steve Wozniak and the co-founder of Google, Larry Page. If that crowd is not impressive enough, Albert Einstein, Charles Darwin, Sir Isaac Newton and Ghandi were also all considered introverts.

Wherever a child lands on the introvert/extrovert spectrum, they need to know their personality doesn’t need to be altered to be considered “right.” In our hyper-connected society where the more  Facebook friends and Linked In connections one has the better, and being in the spotlight is so often intensely pursued, our quiet kids can remind us that turning our attention inward can be pretty worthwhile, too. 

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Does this column make me look fat?

Sometimes I want to give every young girl I see a big hug and reassure her that she looks absolutely fine just the way she is. It’s not easy being a girl now. It probably never was, but the pressure to be thin and achieve some idealized standard of beauty weighs heavier on girls now than ever before. From all angles, girls get the message that their perfectly healthy, strong, normally developing bodies aren’t good enough.

According to the National Institute on Media and the Family, a survey of 9 and 10 year old girls indicated that 40% have already tried to lose weight. By age 13, 53% of American girls are unhappy with their bodies. By age 17, this rate jumps to 78%. 

Who’s to blame?

The media

Is it possible to get through the checkout aisle at the grocery store without nearly every magazine telling you how to lose weight, look sexier and get a hot guy? Are television shows and commercials any better? At a time when the self-esteem of young girls is most vulnerable, our culture encourages them only to see their “imperfections.” 

Peers

Accepting yourself is tough when no one else seems to be doing it. Recent research on how peers influence body image discovered that conversations among high school girls focused on appearance, dieting and weight-monitoring as a part of every day (source: Sage Journals, Feminism & Psychology.) Girls are harsh critics, with each other and themselves.

Mothers

Although the media and peers have a significant influence on how girls view their body, their own mothers play a huge role as well. In the article Helping Girls With Body Image researchers on the subject note “Girls take to heart what their mothers say about bodies: their own, their daughters, those of strangers and celebrities. They notice when their mothers exercise obsessively, diet constantly, or make derogatory comments about their own appearance. That should come as no surprise, as mothers are a girl’s first and, often, most influential role model.”

What do we do with all this information? It’s unrealistic to think we can shield our daughters from every negative influence regarding their body image. As with most parenting issues however, the messages we send our kids consistently are the ones they will absorb the most. Girls need to know that their body is beautiful even if it doesn’t fit into their skinny jeans.   

Of course, they’ll only believe this if we do.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

The new rules of competition

Competition begins early in life – and rightly so. There are many great lessons kids can learn from competing with their peers. They see that hard work and practice can lead to success. Fellow competitors can be respected and admired for their skill. Teammates feel the camaraderie of working towards a common goal. Finally, kids have an opportunity to learn humility by taking losses in stride and being a gracious loser.

Too bad the adults that kids see paraded on television every night on reality competition shows rarely display any of these admirable qualities. The endless list of programs like The Apprentice, American Idol, Survivor, Dance Moms and even Chopped and Cupcake Wars give credence to the worst possible approaches to competition. Here’s what kids learn from the adults on these types of shows:

Blatantly promote yourself

The first step as a competitor on a reality show is to tell everyone how great you are. Skill and talent are not a prerequisite, but overconfidence is. The more entitled you feel you are to win, the better. The point here is to get attention and outrageous claims get you more air time.  Winning may actually be a secondary goal; the primary thrill just having the spotlight focused on you. 

Trash talk your competition

The flip side of promoting yourself is, of course, to denigrate your competitors. Catty, immature remarks are expected here. Don’t worry about anything you say actually being true. Or hurting anyone’s feelings. If you happen to win, crank it up a notch. 

Throw your teammates under the bus

After you have developed relationships with people on your team, form “alliances” against them. Have fun voting them off and eliminating them. Do this secretly if you can. Or do this as a group so you can publicly humiliate your former “teammates.” 

Be a sore loser

Go for the “wow” factor here. Throw a huge fit with tantrums, tears - even physically destroy something if possible. Include one last tirade of how you were wronged by your competitors.  Don’t forget to include why you deserved to win.  

The only redeeming value I can see to kids watching reality competition shows is that it illustrates in full color, high definition what not to do. In this culture, I guess we’ll take our role models where we can.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Parental Rites of Passage

It occurred to me recently that parenthood involves navigating through certain “rites of passage,” events that are universal to every parent, difficult in nature and designed to teach us something. While some of the more obvious rites of passage may include letting children go on their first date or seeing them off to college, most of us have to get through several grittier challenges prior to this. These might include:

Having a child vomit in the worst possible place or at the worst possible time.

My sister-in-law recently flew back home with her sons, ages three and five, after spending a week with us. While on the plane, one son became ill and started to vomit. After that flight, their next connection was delayed three hours, which meant more vomiting in the airport bathrooms. Did I mention she was travelling alone?

Other worst case scenarios include having a child vomit in the crevices of a friend’s car, on the bedding in a hotel where you have no access to a washing machine and during any important event or ceremony. I’m sure many of you reading can even top these.

Over-reacting to a medical “emergency.”

It’s all so overwhelming as a new parent, isn’t it? What could the baby possibly have eaten that would produce a diaper like that? How can it be normal to see an infant’s heartbeat pulse in that vulnerable fontanelle? Pediatricians should really have punch cards for parents during the first year so they can get a free visit after coming in for so many unnecessary ones.

I once placed a frantic call to the doctor to get in right away when my son broke out in inexplicable spots – head to toe. The doctor explained that this was his particular (and unusual) way to respond to the common cold. I’m sure the forty-five minutes we spent in the waiting room during the “sick hours” gave us some germs to really be concerned about.

Saying goodbye to the Tooth Fairy, Santa, Easter Bunny, etc.

Part of the fun of having kids is the “make believe” we get to relive with them. That is, until they get a little older and realize that Santa’s handwriting on the gift tag is the same as yours- and he uses the same wrapping paper. Or, upon your daughter losing her first tooth, you realize too late that you only have a $20 bill in your wallet. Now she and every subsequent child expect this windfall with every tooth they lose. It’s not as magical, but a lot more practical, to say goodbye to our fanciful friends.

This column isn’t long enough to address the many other challenges we face on our path through parenthood. But since a rite of passage by definition “affirms community and solidarity, especially in times of change or crisis,” it’s good to know we’re in excellent company together.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

"Un-resolutions" for parents

A new year and the pressure to improve ourselves with various resolutions begins. We start with the best intentions January 1^st, but soon enough old habits creep back in and our motivation fizzles.

What if not having a goal was our goal? I think a better strategy for success would be a list of “un-resolutions” – what we shouldn’t do instead of what we should do. As parents, our “to do” list seems never-ending. Maybe taking a few things off our plate, and depositing them on our kids’, would help us both.

Here’s a list of things we could resolve not to do anymore for our children. Let yourself off the hook and try a few.

This year I resolve not to: 

Find or replace all their lost stuff

Some lessons are learned the hard way. Whether it’s a favorite shirt, a Nintendo or a wallet, losing something important is difficult. The plus side is that once you’ve been careless with something valuable, hopefully you become more responsible with your possessions in the future. That is, unless mom or dad replaces that treasured item before the message gets a chance to sink in.

Pay my kid for doing nothing

Giving kids money for doing chores – yes. Giving them money for simply existing – no. In the real world, you get paid when you work. Not when you eat Cheetos on the couch and play Wii. Having an allowance is great for learning money management, but part of that lesson is understanding how you earn money in the first place. 

Take ownership of their school work

Who wants to do sixth grade math again? Once is enough for me. It is my child’s responsibility to learn it now. I can help, but if I’m more concerned about an upcoming test than they are, that’s a problem. At a certain point, kids need to learn that their education belongs to them.

Step in too quickly

One of the hardest parts of parenting is watching your child struggle. Our first reaction is often to jump in and fix whatever’s wrong. Sometimes this instinct is right; other times it backfires. When we rescue kids from every difficulty, we deny them the opportunity to solve a problem themselves. We can’t get upset with kids who don’t learn how to be self-reliant if we’ve set it up so that they don’t have to be.

Sometimes the mistakes we make as parents don’t come from a lack of caring, but caring too much. Deciding to dial back our help is hard. Our children need it and we want to give it. Ultimately, resolving to dole out our assistance more thoughtfully will help us both.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Presents versus presence

I remember the Christmas several years ago when my daughter had her heart set on accumulating as many “Littlest Pet Shop” houses, play sets, animals and accessories as possible. She had to have them. So we (and all the relatives) bought all the pink and purple plastic toys in bulk. Hasbro made out pretty well from our investment alone that year. Christmas morning, she opened her Littlest Pet Shop extravaganza and was thrilled.

The following year, if you had asked what she got the last Christmas, she couldn’t tell you. Completely forgotten. What she could tell you, in exact detail, were all the things we actually did as a family over the holiday. Building gingerbread houses. Baking gingerbread men to occupy the houses. Making ornaments for the tree. Seeing the lights at night in her pajamas with a cup of cocoa. Baking cookies with her grandparents. Watching our favorite holiday movies with a glass of eggnog. Even just watching the fire crackle with carols playing in the background. She remembered every single one of these small gestures of the season. The Littlest Pet Shop, in all its pastel plastic glory, was ultimately forgotten.

I have to remind myself every year that despite what the media would like me to believe, I don’t need to run around trying to find the perfect gift for my children to make the holiday special or meaningful. This season’s “must have” present is often next year’s garage sale item. Sure there have been favorite presents over the years, we have had our “Red Rider BB Gun” moments, but in general the “wow” factor of these gifts quickly fades. The best holiday memories we’ve had haven’t been a function of how much money I spent on the kids, but how much time I spent with them. My presence was more valuable than their presents.

Now, if even one small tradition is forgotten, my daughter is the first to let me know. I have a feeling that someday her children will be reminding her of all these things as well.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/