A job well done

Something sort of magical happened with my son’s recent social studies project. His class was studying geography and the assignment was to make a map of an imaginary country which included all the signs and symbols they were studying in class. At first, his usual procrastination set in, along with complaints about doing such a big project on the weekend, the “when am I ever going to need to know this” argument, etc. Then he started the project. And it grew into an elaborately sketched out plan, with islands and mountain ranges and railroads connecting multiple cities. Different options about what to include on the map were considered at length. The markers and crayons came out to carefully color this intricate design. By the time my son was done, he ended up spending hours embellishing the project well beyond the requirements. He was proud of his work and excited to turn it in.

I felt like he turned a corner that day – realizing that doing a good job is its own reward. He understood there would be no extra credit for his extra effort, no gold star, no “reward bucks” teachers often use for motivation – the work itself was enough. 

Hopefully this lesson will linger with him and as he grows older he’ll make the connection that when you find work you enjoy and you’re good at, it doesn’t really seem like “work.” Expending only the minimal effort required isn’t acceptable anymore because you really care about what you’re doing and you want to do it well. Doing a good job becomes the norm because that’s the standard you set for yourself, not for teachers and not for parents. I suspect that once a person internalizes this value, whatever definition of success or happiness they have is easier to achieve.

Don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of things this particular twelve year old boy has pretty low standards for (a clean room and personal hygiene for instance.) My hope however, is that when it comes to whatever work becomes important to him - when no one’s watching and no prize is being dangled -he still does a good job.

This column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Taboos, red flags and no-no's

Upon becoming wives and mothers, my best friend and I made a pact with each other about our behavior as future mothers-in-law and grandmothers. If one of us witnesses the other person committing certain heinous acts which often stereotype these roles, we promise without hesitation to call each other out on it. No sugar coating, no mercy, just a blunt “Do you realize what you just said?” Below are some of the four alarm phrases for which we remain on high alert.

“Don’t you look cute! Are you sure you want to wear your hair like that?”

Well we were sure, but thank you for taking our self-esteem down to junior high levels. This type of phrase we sincerely hope never to inflict on our daughters, daughters-in-law, granddaughters or anyone of the female persuasion.

“I did (insert outdated parenting strategy) with all my kids. Surely I know how to take care of my own grandchildren!”

Baby aspirin for a fever, rum in a bottle to induce sleep, laying infants on their bellies to nap – all good intentions but bad advice. Child rearing practices evolve, which is actually not a personal affront to the way anyone did it before. We solemnly vow to respect our children’s intelligence and wishes when they raise their own children.

“Here’s a little present just for you. Just don’t tell the other grandkids, okay?”

A grandparent may secretly have a favorite grandchild, but the key is to keep it secret. We promise not to play favorites that can put the “chosen one” in an awkward position and make all the other grandkids (and parents) resentful.

“But Christmas has always been at our house.”

The torch must be passed – with grace, not guilt. Every young family deserves to build memories and traditions in their own home for Christmas morning, Thanksgiving dinner, Groundhog Day, whatever. We sincerely hope that when our family comes to our house it’s because they truly want to, not because they feel obligated.

My friend and I would like to think we would never commit these sorts of infractions. However, no one who makes these statements ever intends to annoy or offend their targets. These phrases just sort of sneak in, especially if someone feels they are entitled to such remarks because of their “older and wiser” status. So, here’s hoping (with a little tough love) we can avoid these pitfalls and be the mother-in-law and grandmother who everyone loves to have come visit. Because dropping in unexpectedly on your daughter-in-law is always okay, right?

This column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Getting schooled

Another school year has begun signifying the next mile marker in our children’s lives. As my kids head out the door with their bulging back packs and an over the shoulder “see ya” casually thrown my way, I feel the first wave of nostalgia hit. Could these really be the same kids in kindergarten not so long ago? So small and vulnerable that their names had to be pinned to the front of their shirts? Dropping them off that first day I remember them quickly being engulfed by a sea of kids making their way to their teachers. The school seemed to swallow them up whole as I waved my last goodbye. They were fine. Me - not so much.

Would they make friends? Would they make friends l liked? Would they get a good teacher? Would they find their way among the masses? The concerns I had on that first day of kindergarten are largely the same ones I have at the beginning of every school year, even years later. Despite my kids’ shoe sizes rivaling my own now, when I look in their faces I still the eager six year olds trotting off to school with their cartoon lunch boxes.

Even if I wanted to linger in the past, back to school shopping yanks me forward. The closet of clothes that fit last season all need replaced. Cuffs on sleeves have surreptitiously crept up arms. Ankles are exposed from jeans that are now floods. Feet can’t be crammed into old tennis shoes. This quick and constant physical metamorphosis can’t be denied.

If that weren’t enough, looming just ahead are the social and academic challenges I know await them. Some days the thought of it is overwhelming. I have to remind myself that although the specifics may change, we’ve actually been navigating this territory for awhile. Every year has had its ups and downs and we’ve handled the job of growing up pretty steadily. While I may wistfully remember a school supply list that included glitter glue and safety scissors instead of flash drives and five subject notebooks, I don’t really want to go back. What’s ahead looks so interesting. 

So, with the beginning of each school year I have the same wish. I hope my kids get excited about learning something, find good friends to connect with and come a little further on the path of knowing themselves. It’s a big job, and my role in it changes. While I literally held their hand on the journey before, more and more they will need to find their own way. Sometimes the urge to grab on tighter is strong, but my job is to let go gracefully – again and again.


Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

 

Back when I was your age...

Now and then my kids like to be regaled with stories from my childhood. They gasp at what they consider my “backwards” youth and I feel like a dinosaur, but its good family fun so I indulge them.

To their disbelief, there was once a time when people didn’t have to wear seatbelts. If this weren’t shocking enough to them, I include that when my mom drove our station wagon, she would fold down the back seat and my brothers and I would just free float around back there. If we wanted our window down we had to roll it manually, which was preferable because she and just about every other adult smoked – in the car, at home, in restaurants, while pregnant. We ingested as much second hand smoke as our beloved Jiffy Pop popcorn.

Speaking of cars, our “minivan” was the classic variety with big square picture windows, curtains, a table in the back and a little frig. There was no built in DVD player though, so car trip entertainment was limited to cards, books, license plate bingo and tormenting siblings by drawing an imaginary line they couldn’t cross (some pleasures stand the test of time.)

Our phones were attached to the wall with a long curly cord and the privacy of a conversation was limited to how far the cord could stretch around the corner. No caller ID and no answering machine made avoiding people you didn’t want to talk to impossible. Our cameras required film which you had to drop off at the Kodak photo hut in town. It was always a mystery what your pictures might turn out like since you couldn’t see them instantly, which made getting them back (a week later) kind of exciting.

No microwaves meant Mom had to wait for the oven to heat up or water to boil to make dinner – which we all ate together. Whole families often shared one bathroom. Only kids with really crooked teeth got braces. Nobody wore a helmet when they rode a bike, cartoons could only be watched on Saturday morning and nothing was open on Sunday. 

These conversations are always a source of surprise and fascination for my kids – and remind me how different their own day to day life is. Of course, grandparents’ stories are even more entertaining, which usually follow a theme like walking barefoot in the snow to get to and from school (uphill both ways.)

I wonder what stories my kids will tell about their youth to amaze their children. It will be fun to hear their perspective. For now, my daughter’s shock when I tell her I got paid one dollar an hour to babysit is enough amusement for me.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

What's good about bad role models

If your kids’ childhood is anything like my kids’, it’s pretty nice. Nice schools, nice neighbors, nice friends, nice family . . . their world has been carefully designed and monitored by me and my husband to be as good as possible (as it should be.) But now and again a rogue influence arrives in an unexpected package – a bad adult role model.

I’m not talking about something as horrible as a child abuser or predator here, just your garden variety bad example for being a grown-up. It can be quite a shock when your child has his or her first experience with one. After all, as good parents we try to manipulate our children’s world to include as many good role models as we can. The vast majority of adults my kids have come in contact with in our area (at school, in camps, in stores, pretty much everywhere) have been so consistently pleasant, friendly and helpful to children as to be an invisible (but expected) backdrop in their lives. Sure, kids deal with other kids who are not always nice, but when they unexpectedly experience an adult who is thoughtless, rude, selfish or mean, their universe gets a little rocked. 

Our first instinct is to remove this particular offender from our child’s life, which is often the best reaction. But with some issues, and when children reach a certain maturity level, the example a bad role model provides can be quite educational. How do people react to this person? How are they regarded? What effect might this have on their daily life? We can talk about these life lessons hypothetically until we’re blue in the face, but to see a living, breathing example of what not to do can be much more powerful.

Of course, we want to teach compassion and tolerance for difficult people. We can’t always know why anyone acts the way they do. The reality, however, is that not all adults turn out well. Those who routinely act poorly don’t deserve a free pass just because of their grown up status. If we make excuses for their bad behavior because it’s uncomfortable to address or easier to gloss over, we tell our kids that what we consider important now – kindness, fairness, patience, etc. - can be considered negotiable when they’re older.

Bus drivers, teachers, coaches, relatives -  lots of adults float in and out of our kids’ lives, and not all of them are great. But bad role models can serve a purpose, too. They’re part of the “real world” that we’re sending our kids into and they can provide valuable vicarious lessons if we let them. 

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

It could be worse

I have a dog that routinely embarrasses me. Although I know golden retrievers have a reputation for being friendly, this description does not begin to convey my dog’s affection for every human being on the planet. Upon meeting a girlfriend of mine, my unruly hound licked her face clean of all makeup in one split second assault. She almost broke my uncle’s nose when he bent to pet her and she exploded with 80 pounds of force straight into his face to “kiss” him. I have spent the last seven years apologizing for my dog’s exuberance. Two attempts at obedience school have not made a dent in this problem. I’ve since learned that my canine suffers from “excessive greeting disorder.” (There is an actual support group for this.) I can make her sit. I can make her stay. I cannot curb her all-consuming need to smother the world with her brand of love.

So, I look at this way. There are worse problems than having the world’s friendliest dog. Aside from her overactive enthusiasm, she is also sweet, gentle and doesn’t have a mean bone in her body. She is a giant furry pillow the kids can do anything to without complaint. She’s my shadow, silently following me room to room just to be near me. This dog approaches every man, woman and child with the expectation that they will be her next best friend. You have to admire that kind of optimism and faith in humankind.

Seeing her from this perspective helps temper her overbearing moments. It strikes me that successful parenting is also largely a matter of adjusting one’s perspective. Have a toddler that refuses to be potty-trained? Think “independent free thinker.” Awkward child who prefers his or her own company to the masses? Try “introspective non-conformist.” Kid who won’t stop talking and drives you crazy with incessant questions? “Inquisitive people-person.” Video game junkie with no ambition to leave the couch? Well…let me think about that one.

I can work on improving my child’s (or my dog’s) behavior, but if a trait is hard-wired, I’m better off to see the potential positive side of it. I only frustrate myself (and them) trying to wish it away. One of my favorite quotes comes from my kids’ preschool days. “You get what you get and you don’t get upset.” Looking at the bright side of a situation really does improve your ability to deal with it.

I try to keep this philosophy in mind as I see another unwitting victim approach our yard to pet the big yellow dog with the goofy smile and the tail wagging 90 miles an hour. Yes, she’s “enthusiastic” – and I wouldn’t have her any other way.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/

Pride and Joy

With high school and college graduations approaching, parents are filled with pride for their children who have reached this important milestone. While the ceremony marks a significant academic achievement, it’s also a time for parents to reflect on the personal qualities of their child that make them proud. For those of us with kids who won’t be wearing caps and gowns for many years yet, we have to recognize their accomplishments on a smaller scale – the day to day moments that foretell what kind of person they are becoming. Although hearing your child utter an unprompted “please,” “thank you” or “you’re welcome” is always nice, here are some other ways they make us proud.

Siblings who get along

It’s a beautiful thing when you witness your children actually enjoying each other’s company – seeking one another out for games or as older kids, even conversations. Unfortunately, the nature of sibling dynamics means their relationship can fluctuate from “never leave my side” to “your mere presence irritates me” even hours apart. At the end of the day however, if your kids generally like one another and get along, pat yourself on the back. If you have children who will defend each other against other kids, you really have something to be proud of.

A kid who doesn’t buy into their own hype

Recently my son drew one of his many pictures. After I gushed over what a good job I thought he did, he said, “Thanks but it’s just alright – not that great.” I realized then I was more proud of his statement than his picture. He didn’t need me to promote his self-esteem (which seems an ongoing, unconscious effort of parents now). He just looked at his own work, saw its flaws and without feeling down about it or himself, drew another picture. My endorsement wasn’t what he was seeking anymore – it was his own.

A child who is kind when no one’s watching

In parenting, this is like winning the “Grand Ultimate Supreme” -  to borrow a phrase from the child beauty pageant world. A compassionate child, who acts from the goodness of their heart, without hope of recognition or reward, is a gift to the world. If this is your child, how lucky you are.

Why wait for a ceremony to announce that it’s time to be proud of your kids? “I’m proud of you” is right up there with “I love you” – don’t be stingy with it. Take pride in yourself as a parent, too. The wonderful qualities your children possess have been born at home and nurtured by you.

Column originally appears in Current in Fishers http://currentinfishers.com/